What?

Is it that I'm trying to do? Why and what do I think it could lead to?

Ever ask yourself that question?

Well the thing is that you must ask yourself that question all the time. We do stupid things, we have high hopes sometimes, or a sort of dream that we think may be granted but later on get devastated when it doesn't happen, etcetera etcetera. I think one of the strongest indicators of what to happen afterwards, or an indicator for the consequences of things we do lies in the answer to the above question.

Are we answering based on an assumption? or are we answering based on things that are closer to facts than fiction? Are we mature enough to be answering or do we need help in getting our answers? The thing is that the more we think we don't need advice the more severe the consequences become, and at the same time the more advice we get the more confused we become! How about that?! Situations that keep on swinging between North and South without stopping could be a real pain in the neck, situations where your self-confidence is at stakes are really tight ones.

What is a man more than an individual dealing with other individuals - called people - who form his own small world. A small life compared to the whole world, but the whole world when viewed from the perspective of the individual. One wise thought is that there are types of knowledge, a type that is useful, and another that is not, but not necessarily harmful. I come to think about my ideas as just knowledge that is just up here, whether it is right or wrong is unknown yet it is still waiting to be verified, and as the solvent of time is added to the solution of life things become clearer.

Here I am babbling incoherently about some Jingo Bingo from the Land of the talking socks, and incoherent are the thoughts accumulating in that poor Grey engine inside my skull. While sleeping yesterday night it -the Grey engine- generated almost every situation and every major incident, dream, wish, fear and emotion that I have experienced in the past year or so, all in a matter of what? Five minutes maximum? I woke up exhausted, in a way unable to grasp what just happened? Is it that my brain is flushing the trash out for something new to get in? Or is it that I do have a lot of unfinished business to take care of? Will see, but still there is a feeling of unrest lurking under the table, the sort of silent frustration that occurs before a hurricane, yet no one can stop the hurricane, now can they?

Can't place my hand on the problem yet, and the vibes I get are those of something lacking, or missing. My dear brother is absent and I am missing him badly, without a hope to see him anytime before Summer. Myself altogether is not satisfied with myself, I want to see me through the eyes of an else, who am I really? What is my purpose? What can I do and do I really have a mission statement or am I gonna leave the same way I came in, adding nothing but consuming many?

I'd hate to be like that, and for that reason I am postponing an idea till God wills and shows his signs of a Go Ahead, or else a pit of solitude where one reaps although listeners are unheard of, calculating, evaluating, circulating and indicating that the only way out is upwards, an elevation towards the light, the simple, the clear and the pure. Hard choices have to be made and its not a load of fun just yet, more of a cold war to devastate the internal enemies that keep the pit alive and breathing, able to cope with more and more, making the company more and merrier.

But the company out of the pit is more real, and the light is making things more visible and clear. The idea sort of reminds me of a really stupid dream I had yesterday about a big glass house with many guests, where there are parts that trap people inside making them run inside and try to escape, where other parts are filled with food and drink, and merry people who don't give a damn. Outside are long queues of people waiting to come inside the house as guests. The action was breathtaking and there were a lot of funny situations, but the theme was a bit more dramatic and tragic, the sky was not the bluest but rather yellowish, but still it was an outdoor dream.

I's never actually seen an aeroplane from the inside during my life, never been outside the country where I live, and such an experience is now essential. I need to see more sorts of people, expand my views and understand how the real world operates, rather than just the bunch of sheep stumbling upon each other right where I am. Having the global experience from where I am is like seeing pictures that are actually not complete pictures but puzzle pieces, knowing one aspect and then the other, one idea and another, but actually understanding the others, or experiencing the culture is an absolutely different thing.

And a difference is what I wish to make!

So Help me God!