Anything to declare?

Definately not!! Or is there?

I just don't know. At times I get tired of all the thinking going on inside my head. I get tired of living two seperate lives, one in the physical sense and a totally different life inside my head, a life where there people are slightly different from how they really are, a life where just very small changes are made to alot of things around, and Bob's your uncle, here you have a life you've been dreaming to have..

But is it healthy to keep on day-dreaming that way? No way! Yeah things happen alot to distract you, or to keep your head under the water of fantasy, but things have to change.. I don't know if suffering this has brought me anywhere, but this is what I have to change.. to stop thinking about what I want for a while, and concentrate on what I have. For the time being, I am simply clueless on how to walk down that road. I have noone to blame but myself, absolutely noone.

Dear God! What is it that I am waiting for? What is it that I am expecting? I don't know! For some reason my mind keeps on returning back to the impossible and imagine that it is possible. How is it impossible?, well, because it is, because I can create a possibility out of it and live on the hope of the possibility, while there is not possibility whatsoever. Because I tend to complicate things for myself all the time and now I want to change that habbit once and for all. The key to it all is to surrender to God's will, and stop fighting it..

It bounces alright, at times it is up high maintaining some calmness in the chest, at other times it is hard, as if there is some sort of a fierce conflict inside my chest, that I don't know who is fighting and who is going to win.. but all I know is that one of the two entities fighting is a VERY familiar entity, someone i know pretty well and I've been living with for too long. All hopes and bets are for the better one of those two entities to win the fight, or better that this is that both entities integrate somehow, to form something better, that doesn't make me lose who I am..

Lonliness is killing me, yes! But I can do absolutely nothing about it. It seems that God wants me to be alone for the time being, he brings noone inside, and I believe I should not bring anyone inside for the time being. I have no idea why but I've been fighting that for too long but everytime I end up so exhausted from fighting, and so lonely, so it would just be better if i end up lonely but not exhausted, right? So I just can't be fighting His will anymore, it is time for me to declare that I surrender, and that this was what I have learned pretty well, I've learned my lesson if that's what's needed to be said, or is there nothing that needs to be said at all?

Is there something I want to declare or not?
Yeah, I am all alone now, and I don't like it but I'll have to live with it..
Over..

Comments

sara said…
Hope it's all gone by now..
5:23 am, January 16, 2008
Gold said…
alhamdulillah it is

now the bridge could take larger hurricanes.. if u know what i mean
4:09 pm, January 17, 2008
sara said…
awww, I love this phrase :) Never heard it before!

May Allah strengthen this bridge always :)
6:20 am, January 20, 2008
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