Unknown

I really don't know. As a manner of a private silent conversation between a man and his Creator, one dares not say I know. An overlook on the future could not seem that bright, in matters of readiness for example, one can't really say that things are that visible because they are simply in the hands of the Creator.

All I know is what I feel now, and that it is not a really great feeling to be honest. the differences between human beings are mostly significant when dealing with problems. Some enthusiastic reactions from people who are living a certain state of mind or spirituality would immediately say "If you're not feeling that good then you should check your relationship with God, pray more, ask for forgiveness and things will be okay". On the other hand other people might ask more questions and analyze the situation more in order to try and come up with answers, also related somehow to their experiences that might be irrelevant to my situation so to speak.

That thing is the only person who would know how to make things clearer is the one who is writing those very words, who has been stretching himself to all directions in great magnitudes in order to cope with the problem yet not solve it for himself in a firm and clear-cut manner.

Knowing the intricate details of my very self doesn't make this such an easy task. The problem has always been in quite the same shape, and was never dealt with in order not to occur again. I wish I could just take a step outside myself and have an overview of the big picture, in an unbiased way, in order to be able to point out the keys that solve myself easily and get it over with. But it seems that things are never that easy. Never.

And, among those moments one gets to become distracted with other attempted endeavors by inexperienced people who don't know how to put their actions in their correct order for coming up with what they want, entangling myself in confusions that I am in no need for at the moment, disappointing themselves as well as myself for not being able to like their strategies nor their way of thinking that made them choose that incorrect order of doing things.

I am mistaken somewhere and that's for sure, but I have no idea how to deal with the situation and where to turn to with my poor self. It is not a question of who has done what, it is rather a question of what I need and why I need it, it is a question of how do I go ahead and grab what I need by the neck while keeping in mind the various consequences that could or could not happen.

Oh I am mistaken for sure, and my stupidity has led me down roads I used to think I'd never taste, but here I am eating the dust of it, every single particle of it. For those who have a grudge towards me it is time for you to celebrate, and for those who care about me then pray for me as I'm going through a tough one.

Thoughts of rage cross my head as the trails of grief dance against my brain's sight, shots of tears come and go in a confusing manner, self-loathing and wishes to become in another form of a human being are firmly declaring their presence, but remorse? Never! Nothing passes by without aiding in providing me with eyes like glass and a heart as tough as steel.

I never want to have such an experience again.

Never!