Perpetual

It is with great discomfort that I do confess that I am not eligible to get close to other humans for a very long period of time. It is neither good for me not good for them.

I do not understand what is wrong with me, and till I do, I would not even attempt to bring my very unhealthy self to barge into anyone else's life and become an essential part of it. Things I do and am unable to comprehend, that have the habit of changing course in sharp angles at very short timings, and drive people around me crazy.

Unstable and inconsistent as I am now, I do declare myself as being hazardous to myself, as well as those who are unlucky enough to care about me.

I don't know what possesses me, or what on earth is going on with me, I really don't know, I swear I don't know.

I do things in great belief, then the belief fades away as strong as it has started, in a glimpse of an eye. Escaping is not going to achieve anything, but what to be done is totally not within my knowledge the moment of writing these very words.

One might just put a hand on the waist and wave around with the other and give me a four-worded expression that he learned from some psychiatrist on TV, because I'm not as wise as he is, or not as stable as his very self is, but no! I don't think anyone would be able to tell unless he's listened for what is not less than a story of a life.

I frown, I have been frowning for quite a long time now, can't hold a decent smile for more than a few seconds. I am not for human consumption.

And all I know now, is that I don't feel a thing.

Help me God!

Comments

Sara Mustafa said…
Abdo.. Abdo.. please :'( I noticed you're off FB and given your MSN status, I understood something was up. And so it is. And I want to reach out? Yet I'm not sure why. Let me catch you online some time?
1:47 am, November 22, 2009
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Unknown

I really don't know. As a manner of a private silent conversation between a man and his Creator, one dares not say I know. An overlook on the future could not seem that bright, in matters of readiness for example, one can't really say that things are that visible because they are simply in the hands of the Creator. All I know is what I feel now, and that it is not a really great feeling to be honest. the differences between human beings are mostly significant when dealing with problems. Some enthusiastic reactions from people who are living a certain state of mind or spirituality would immediately say "If you're not feeling that good then you should check your relationship with God, pray more, ask for forgiveness and things will be okay". On the other hand other people might ask more questions and analyze the situation more in order to try and come up with answers, also related somehow to their experiences that might be irrelevant to my situation so to speak. That...
Read more

Loving Fear

A small window of a certain sensation followed by a quick view upon an idea, and then a broad metallic armor of assurance has crossed my chest. What happened was the occurrence of Fear. For several days there was this fear taking over, causing my skin to shiver, and my hair to stand every now and then. Fear is the opposite of being happy and that's just the beginning. Fear is essential for the human life, but an overdose could be utterly devastating. I was actually somewhere else when the sensation crossed my body starting from my eyes and ending at my heart. I was driving on the messy highway under a cloudy sky at evening time. A colleague of mine was in the passenger's seat, sleeping, while I was trying my best to stay alert and evade the acrobatics being made by trucks and micro-buses all around me, causing the highway to be something really close to a flea circus, but that's not our issue now. The clouds were all above me, but the horizon was cloud-free. There was a chi...
Read more

Profound Sanity

Dreams, are nowadays randomly filled with random people, like my brain is being shuffled constantly in order for the most important things to settle in the bottom, and the less important to come on top, then the less important, and so forth, till i find the heavy rocks in the bottom, the things that are closest to my heart, and those might include the people who are closest to my heart and my attempts to make them happy, and furthermore try to understand them more, for not to fall in the mistake of trying to make them happy the way I want them to be happy, but rather the way THEY want to feel happy.. And then again, it is clear that life is just about the pursuit of happiness, because happiness can be found in various ways, and loads and loads of forms, but what is more important is only realized by the minority of people, and it can rarely be controlled by the individual, it is a blessing from God that is. As people try all the time to follow what their instinct tells them to achiev...
Read more