A story? No, just an incident

Been a Long time!

2012-01-18T01:13:00.002+02:00

and I kept on reading who I was, which reminds me of who I really am.

Definitely I've changed in great ways, but the backbone is still the same I presume. Still analytical, observant, and a smart ass who has his comments on almost every aspect of life. I can't seem to count the number of theories that I come up with on daily basis, and I seem to forget most of them, and some of them are even born on conversations.

Wow! It is good that I remembered ever having a blog in the first place.

God has been good to me, all thanks to Him! Being a happy husband and a father soon enough inshaAllah is proving to be quite a stereotype-breaker at my delight. Oh yes I LOVE breaking stereo-types, but this sure has it's negative side.

Having a torch in a village that got used to darkness is for sure gonna turn some eyes upon you, some in curiosity, some smile happily for the light that you might be utilizing for your own good, and others might look in envy, for they have tried and tried to own a torch but they never seem to get to use it the same manner you do.

There is an theory that I'd like to reflect upon, but I'm yet to see it practiced fully. Some people might struggle and keep on struggling for a purpose in life that leads them to happiness. They look around and they see people jut like them, and then they see people who have a purpose in life, who are giving it their utmost attention, and are actually contented with little frustration and minimum complexes that makes their lives take dark unfamiliar exits frequently.

So the Observers start thinking that happiness is not their cup of tea, that this version of having a purpose in life doesn't fit them, so they start doing other things in an attempt to grasp a handful of smiles, and I don't blame them, but I blame those who haven't taught them how to 'make' their own version of a life and be proud of it, yet humble when it comes to thinking about Who gave it to them.

Or maybe I'm mistaken about them, and there is some series of lousy choices they have taken that denies them that purpose they've been looking for.

Bottom-line is: You can never judge a person who feels sad or is in some sort of a deadlock, as you don't know every single detail of what is going on inside of him. Yes blame him when he is too loud and making a fool of himself, blame him when he starts judging others out loud like an imbecile, blame him when he starts jabbering about how those happy people are all imposters and that there is no true love.

Yet, be sure that they are missing something, because there is a way out of any tight situation, and the simplest way of them all is having hope. Not everyone is resourceful enough to sit, think, analyze, and come up with a first step towards a solution, but believe me, the source of the problem lies within that fact that very few people are aware of their flaws, and really do admit them.

So brothers and sisters, have hope in a better future, know your flaws, admit them, then know what makes you better, and hug it for the rest of your life.

Silence..

2010-01-08T01:43:00.002+02:00

The end of something, marking the beginning of something else. Life's struggles never end, a face that we generally try to avoid, but it has always been this way.

Yet there are struggles, and there are other struggles. Dare I classify them? That would be from a personal point of view of course. There are struggles that are carried out in the outside world that require more of physical energy than any other, struggles that you go through with some movement of the different parts of the body, be them moving your vocal chords and aligning them with a compromised, balanced, and ethical flow of electricity flowing through the Grey being of the little organ utilizing the volume of the skull.

Then there are struggles that go through that Grey organ as well; ones that have to deal with different chemical reactions inside the body as well, together with a form of alignment between the heart, the body, and the soul, aiming to reach a balance that sets the whole complexion of a human being at ease, to reach a level of satisfaction and contentment as most vocabularies on earth would call.

Both are not east to be honest. But the first kind is sort of easier to figure out, at least there is some physical activity required from you, so you know when to make the next move, that is most of the time. Sometimes you are clueless about what to do, and then again I must say that it usually gets cleared up as the element of time gets consumed over.

Yet the other type, the invisible one, the one that only the individual and his Creator know of, is the hardest of them all. Sometimes you don't know what to do or what to think, and you come to wonder how long it is going to take in order to reach that level of alignment between the different forms of who you really are, to finalize your version of a person, and agree with yourself that this is enough to have, this is good to be, and this has finally been great to have lived so far to become your current age, owning your surroundings, earning them, and thanking your Creator for every passing moment.

The armory is where you should head right now, an Iron-clad vest, and a shiny bullet-proof helmet is something you would need, warrior. The maker of them is the maker of you, and the price is not that high, all you got to do is humble yourself and admit your weaknesses, for one day you will come to realize how weak and small you are.

I was mistaken, it is not a struggle. It is only war, a war where your enemies are numerous, looking strong, and your allies look so feeble. Impressive enemies are an inspiration, but I bet your allies can inspire you more, so concentrate with them, consult them, have a word with them, and let them aid in polishing your armor so that it may reflect the strong rays of a shining sun into the eyes of your enemies.

The battle, is always on. The more you are silent, the more your enemies become surprised.

*Draws sword*

Perpetual

2009-11-10T00:52:00.002+02:00

It is with great discomfort that I do confess that I am not eligible to get close to other humans for a very long period of time. It is neither good for me not good for them.

I do not understand what is wrong with me, and till I do, I would not even attempt to bring my very unhealthy self to barge into anyone else's life and become an essential part of it. Things I do and am unable to comprehend, that have the habit of changing course in sharp angles at very short timings, and drive people around me crazy.

Unstable and inconsistent as I am now, I do declare myself as being hazardous to myself, as well as those who are unlucky enough to care about me.

I don't know what possesses me, or what on earth is going on with me, I really don't know, I swear I don't know.

I do things in great belief, then the belief fades away as strong as it has started, in a glimpse of an eye. Escaping is not going to achieve anything, but what to be done is totally not within my knowledge the moment of writing these very words.

One might just put a hand on the waist and wave around with the other and give me a four-worded expression that he learned from some psychiatrist on TV, because I'm not as wise as he is, or not as stable as his very self is, but no! I don't think anyone would be able to tell unless he's listened for what is not less than a story of a life.

I frown, I have been frowning for quite a long time now, can't hold a decent smile for more than a few seconds. I am not for human consumption.

And all I know now, is that I don't feel a thing.

Help me God!

Mask Face

2009-08-13T12:05:00.002+03:00

Whoah, finally some privacy.

What can I say? What should I say? What is not what it used to be? and What is new with whatever I see? Just what?

This place acts as a sanctuary indeed. I look back at whenever I started posting my words in here, and think about how much one has changed dramatically, and I keep repeating myself a lot about this, but it is true, every time I drop by and read, I say that it HAS been a long trip, and thank God for whoever I am right now, hoping for the better as I stroll down the lanes of a short life.

To be straightforwardly honest, I absolutely feel like an alien, with every meaning the word could hold, a green-faced monster amongst a herd of white four-legged creatures; what intrigues them does not form the simplest forms of interest for me, what saddens them is like rain drops over my head, what they see I cannot comprehend, and what I see is absolutely invisible to them.

At the same time I can't seem to manage myself quite right, I'm getting as boring as a 3-year-old hamster, same ideas keep circulating in my head and are being frowned upon if mentioned, let alone carried out in actions. I see a lot, observe too much - maybe that's my curse - understand too well - or maybe just I'm imagining that I do - and in the end of the day I do not clearly know what should or should not be, unless subject it to my own ignorant judgment, which as we speak is biased totally against what I see and hear everyday.

Extremely against to be honest, to the extent of total and absolute rejection. Yeah that's hard. Makes one feel like solitary reaper (courtesy of William Wordsworth, as I visited his house a week ago) in his own virtual field somewhere in the hills that do not exist except some thousands of Kilometers away, singing as song that no one understands, except the very few that are as helpless as you are.

I am still immature then, I still have a lot to learn. Almost there, but in need for some time and patience, and I'm sure I am to get there inshaAllah. Mostly one needs his sense of achievement to roar atop the hill of his spirit, declaring its control over it.

Mind Control for sure is not missing, and maybe that's the problem.

Cheers

Just an inspiration

2009-07-05T00:31:00.002+03:00

Yeah she can walk. There she is carrying her leather soft bag and a huge file stuffed with papers, each group of papers with its own section, she is also good at classifying her papers, and the people that she meets.

A hurried crossing of the road in the middle of the day, under the heat of a burning sun, she closes her eyes momentarily as she passes in front of one of the tall entrances of the old downtown buildings, the fresh breeze that crosses her face from the air conditioning encourages her to increase the speed of her pace, promising herself a cold cup of water and the cool silence of the booth, once she reaches it.

She doesn't like to walk in haste, but in this heat it is a necessity. She recalls those winter days when she used to talk long walks within downtown with her father God rest his Soul, she used to walk with his hand holding hers in her favorite red dress, she was really young and he really made her feel safe, so whenever she traverses the same places alone in the winter, a familiar cold hand gives a brief squeeze to her heart, yet she smiles because she believes that every passing moment of happiness is a good memory, that should not be ruined by sadness, even if sadness stands in the way between them good times and this passing second.

She could be late for her appointment, she glances at her wrist-watch after removing the sleeve of her Grey suit, and it is almost 15 minutes to showtime, her heart races a little, and some drops of cold sweat start running down her fairly taken-care-of face. Then she realizes two things at the same time: She is so thirsty, and the coming alley represents one of her childhood's most sacred moments, the red carbonated sweet drink that only "Amm Ismail" sold out of an ancient Grey metallic fridge in that alley, always in the shade, never saw his face without a smile, and never saw her father giving him something less than a 10 pound bill with a huge smile and a pat on the back.

It didn't take her much to decide, and to her surprise, the fridge stood as the pyramids do, but the alley got stuffed with much more other decorations of satellite receivers' shops and cheap Chinese electronics stores. Yet under the same street light, the same fridge, the same tin bucket with huge chunks of Ice inside. The alley was surprisingly cool - or was it her living inside a childhood winter moment - yet her eyes were swiftly searching for the good old man.

No, he wasn't there! As she approached the bucket with the puddle of drying water around it on the asphalt of the sidewalk, there emerged a small girl with a red Jalabeya, clean face and curled angry black hair, dark-brown wide eyes and an emotionless expression on her face. The girl fixed her with a sheepish glance, although she was a very good speaker - her job mainly - she didn't quite know why she stuttered while deciding to ask her for a drink of that red sweet liquid.

Maybe she didn't know what the drink was called, maybe she wanted for some reason to ask about "Amm Ismail", it was easy for her as a kid to ask her father for a bottle of "el pepsi el a7mar", but now she could feel so awkward uttering something like that in the middle of the street, which made her in a split second consider the idea of missing the spontaniety of childhood, but it faded away before it started.

The transaction was really simple, the drink was absolutely something totally different, an experience that she didn't have in years and years. Living a memory out of taste is something that we don't get to live every day. When you taste something that you've only tasted when you were 6 years old is another world on its own, so let's not elaborate much on that.

What happened next was surprising in a way, yet very normal in a way. If you understand how much she loved - and still loves - her father, this would seem like common sense to you, but if not then it would be a very weird action from a formal pretty lady in a downtown alley. As soon as she finished her drink she gave her wrist-watch another quick look, opened her purse to retrieve her wallet, took a 100-pound bill, knelt down so that her face was at the same level of the small girl and tipped her the bill, and before the kid could say anything, she reached out and put both her hands on the girls' shoulders, looked her directly in the eye for a few seconds, patted her on the shoulders calmly, then so swiftly got up and carried on with her walk, she could be seriously late now, and the booth is waiting.

As she finally reached the huge Ministry's building, as she was climbing the stairway off the pavement she paused, looked back at the street, then faced the doorway again and prepared her ID.

Yet she never understood why those tears left her eyes into the open that moment.

Unknown

2009-01-24T02:14:00.002+02:00

I really don't know. As a manner of a private silent conversation between a man and his Creator, one dares not say I know. An overlook on the future could not seem that bright, in matters of readiness for example, one can't really say that things are that visible because they are simply in the hands of the Creator.

All I know is what I feel now, and that it is not a really great feeling to be honest. the differences between human beings are mostly significant when dealing with problems. Some enthusiastic reactions from people who are living a certain state of mind or spirituality would immediately say "If you're not feeling that good then you should check your relationship with God, pray more, ask for forgiveness and things will be okay". On the other hand other people might ask more questions and analyze the situation more in order to try and come up with answers, also related somehow to their experiences that might be irrelevant to my situation so to speak.

That thing is the only person who would know how to make things clearer is the one who is writing those very words, who has been stretching himself to all directions in great magnitudes in order to cope with the problem yet not solve it for himself in a firm and clear-cut manner.

Knowing the intricate details of my very self doesn't make this such an easy task. The problem has always been in quite the same shape, and was never dealt with in order not to occur again. I wish I could just take a step outside myself and have an overview of the big picture, in an unbiased way, in order to be able to point out the keys that solve myself easily and get it over with. But it seems that things are never that easy. Never.

And, among those moments one gets to become distracted with other attempted endeavors by inexperienced people who don't know how to put their actions in their correct order for coming up with what they want, entangling myself in confusions that I am in no need for at the moment, disappointing themselves as well as myself for not being able to like their strategies nor their way of thinking that made them choose that incorrect order of doing things.

I am mistaken somewhere and that's for sure, but I have no idea how to deal with the situation and where to turn to with my poor self. It is not a question of who has done what, it is rather a question of what I need and why I need it, it is a question of how do I go ahead and grab what I need by the neck while keeping in mind the various consequences that could or could not happen.

Oh I am mistaken for sure, and my stupidity has led me down roads I used to think I'd never taste, but here I am eating the dust of it, every single particle of it. For those who have a grudge towards me it is time for you to celebrate, and for those who care about me then pray for me as I'm going through a tough one.

Thoughts of rage cross my head as the trails of grief dance against my brain's sight, shots of tears come and go in a confusing manner, self-loathing and wishes to become in another form of a human being are firmly declaring their presence, but remorse? Never! Nothing passes by without aiding in providing me with eyes like glass and a heart as tough as steel.

I never want to have such an experience again.

Never!

Ground

2009-01-05T15:10:00.002+02:00

What exactly is right? I can't tell! All I can say is that there is "Good", and then there is "Bad", then in the middle there are two strange multi-colored realms: The Realm of the Better, and the Realm of the Worse.

I don't think there is anyone on the face of this earth that can be absolutely "Good", and I doubt that there are people who are absolutely "Bad" unless they have made the wrong choices for a very long time. That amount of time is only known to the Creator who has created every person for what he/she is precisely.

Sometimes one might overload himself with the burdens of a Globe, as if he is responsible for the pains of the universe, taking into account that he might be the one responsible for easing it up for Millions, thus thinking that the way my life has become is not at all what I am supposed to be living, my mundane activities seem so small in my eyes to the extent of me wanting take the nearest exit to somewhere else, or inside the body of someone else that isn't me, and here the question is being answered by the same speculation: It isn't me!

From what history had taught us: is that people who run after responsibility are rarely the ones who are most worthy of it, no matter how competent they think they might be. For that thought I've come to understand that one is being 'cooked' if I might say for a certain responsibility. Once baked and ready the responsibility WILL BE placed upon his shoulder in due time, given that he still believes he can do it yet has a lot of comments on himself in the constructive way, not the other way around.

At a certain point of time I thought in the hasty way of responsibility, all theoretical, and placed myself in the cage of him who is the next big thing, and found out that no leader of barely a small army of ants is gaining the experience of leadership through staring at the bars of a cage, on the contrary, every step taken outside the cage is a chance to learn, is an exposure to the fire, so that one is on his way to being cooked and baked, preparing himself to be consumed in whatever his cause is.

Transition is painful, and letting go of the cage has its bad effect. To tell you the truth: once one is out there, he detests the cage, and thinks no more than himself either "has been" delusional, or is on his way to becoming someone of the "worse" side of the coin. Multiple occurrences of the ill-tempered conscience pain kicks in, in an attempt to inform you that you should lose hope on becoming anything in particular, or that you should take your heavy self back to the cage and remain there for the rest of your life.

And there is one other thing that needs to be mentioned here: A human being could be viewed as an electric circuit. Every healthy electric circuit has a ground, to discharge. What can be viewed to some as a trivial activity compared to what people are experiencing in other parts of the Globe could simply be an essential activity for the mental and spiritual health of me, or any other individual lucky enough to have food, shelter, and enough self perseverance.

Everything that is within our ability to accomplish, is a priority. Otherwise, we can do nothing but pray, and hope for the best.

Young Grand Fathers

2008-11-24T14:36:00.002+02:00

No doubt about it!

As a matter of fact there are recent developments in the psych of "People in my Range", that are said to have certain reasons. The reasons are the recent development of "Choices" in people's lives, starting from the Fifties of the Twentieth century on.

I don't want to sound harsh, dark, or pessimistic, but all I will do is just provide my small Point of View upon what's going on around us all, that make a very small portion of people with full-hearted smiles on their faces.

I've recently heard someone saying that people don't have patience anymore. All they want is just to grab what they can and grow instantly without taking much time in taking the "Known" steps of development. The reasons beyond that is the fast-paced life that we're undergoing now, that provides too much options for the individual at the same time, that guarantee the availability of a large number of "things to enjoy" at the same time.

Those "things to enjoy" could vary from an expensive device to scratch your back, up to the satisfaction that comes from climbing the social ladder through a Mercedes Benz, or a nice house by the Sea.

It is noticeable that things in other people's hands are moving the other people to wanting those same things, so the activities that govern the way society is right now is a simple reaction to people owning things, and other people wanting to own the same, so as not to be deprived of the luxuries of the world.

The thing that in turn makes humanity in a rabid quest for what is seen, what is tangible, like molecules of boiling water colliding rapidly with each other, making a load of noise while at it.

I get kind of lost when thinking who to blame? The thing is, I don't see that what is going on is right, because simply doing the right thing makes people happy, or should make them happy, but reality is quite different. Definitely there is someone to blame here, specially inside my society. Elderlies blame the young for being so hasty and want to do things fast, while at the same time the young blame the elderlies for being too non-understanding, because they do not live in our times, and they don't find the same difficulties we are finding while trying to build a life on our own.

Why do the youth have too much career changes in very little time? Why do they always follow the scent of a fast load of money?

A couple of paragraphs ago I mentioned something called: "The Known Steps of Development", and the real question is "Known to who? according to which standards?". What it takes to build a life these days is not the same thing that was required 20 years ago for instance, so, people changed, and the tools for building (if you can call it building in the first place) are either not given, or are actually the wrong tools, mistaken for "what it takes to go forward" and are actually tools for going back. Why do I say so? People are depressed.

We are a very unique and complex generation I believe. We are facing a long list of challenges and problems that resemble a snake eating its tail, and we come to think that only those who are fortunate carry on with their lives in a somewhat flexible fashion, while others struggle too much to gather what are the bare necessities of life.

Wise people would barge in and say "Yes we CAN!", you make your own life with what you have, just DO IT!!

The negative response is a resultant of one of two things: Number One: The gathering of a series of psychological complexes from childhood till mid-life, that we stumble upon while trying to seek ourselves enough motivation and energy to destroy the rocks that block our way of development. Number Two: We don't see that it is worth it! I should have those things in the first place, so I'm not gonna do all that effort just to be a human being, while feeling much less than a human being in "the quest".

Answers we seek, yet we only dive in the struggles of our mundane life, seeking dreams that seem so far away, taking reluctant steps as we are not guaranteed fulfilling them, so in fear, so worried, thinking about a lot of things at the same time, which makes us a generation of Grand Parents before we even attempt to become parents.

So Help Us God..

Otopeni

2008-10-29T14:34:00.001+02:00

I pause, after being exposed to somewhat of an exhilarating experience, that one as say is totally away from what I've been into all of my life. One could say that it's no big deal that someone from a third world country has traveled and seen what the real civilized world is all about, but - as I have expected - for me it is a little different.

Maybe because I tend to observe too much, absorb too much, and try to come up with conclusions and a section where I can put "What I've learned" from this, that or whatever experience I've been through.

Well, it is widely known that traveling around the globe makes you different, one way or the other. Adds to you a lot, and submerges other parts of you underneath. I'm not gonna talk about what I've learned nor banter about the various things I've seen through my very brief journey that could not be compared to other people's experiences on traveling, because generally there are people who travel all the time and never come to be that emotional about it.. well, I'm different.. A child to to speak, so bear with me while I expose some of the childish inexperienced sides of me out there..

It all kicks in after it is all over! True for me at least. Everything taking place just passes in front of my eyes like a film on a reel, but not just visible, but touchable, in all dimensions of sensation if you know what I'm talking about. The first time is seldom forgotten. Now just names pass by, names of places, names of people, smiling faces, anticipating faces, drunk faces, streets, forests, shops, lounges, airplanes.. they all pass by so quickly, not just pass by the brain, but by the whole body in a way that I cannot fathom nor explain precisely.

I'm just in a moment of "feeling" maybe, then afterwards it will fade away, but I couldn't help but write through it as it is here. I love it, as it makes me feel alive. Later on a dull Grey object will come over to sweep it of and leave it as a mere remote memory flashing a weak light that acts as a homing beacon that I have something that could be called "good memories". Yeah, you don't really miss it till its gone away..

I'm officially in love with a place. And I'm already broken-hearted. Yet this heart-break only makes me smile with the amount of good memories I've had in that place. It leaves me feeling pretty much alright, like the feeling you get after a terrible headache goes away. Oh there was pain of ignorance and now it is no more, thank God who teaches.

Seeing people happy and smiling from their hearts was really what I wanted to see, and I've seen it. There are miserable souls in every place in the world, but it was great to see people from all colors living in harmony together in one place, one school, one street, standing having brief talks in the street, smiling as they greet each other, and there were as well others with a serious frown on their faces, but let's leave those unattended at the moment as I've had my fair share of them.. *pause*

I can't forget that short black woman wearing a simple dress, most probably working as a simple government employee, one that you could pass on in the street as totally unnoticeable, yet, she was talking to a group of what you could call "really" noticeable white people, all well-dressed looking really handsome, they were having a conversation and the black lady was smiling at them widely, and they were happy that she was there. She had this sort of energy coming out of her eyes.. the kind of energy that makes you smile at her without helping it, and makes you feel quite contented that you've run into someone like that.

The thing is, in the human physical sense of things, that lady should never be happy. First of all she's not at all beautiful, she's not slim, she looks like she has trouble walking easily, thus climbing the bus, thus you figure out the rest yourself, living in a fast-paced beauty-appreciating less-than-merciful society. That lady should NOT be happy, if life in the West is the way we've been taught! Yet.. I can never forget that face of hers with that huge smile, that continued when she greeted her attendees and walked away. That's not hypocrisy, that was genuine.

Or maybe I'm just too overwhelmed, and throwing delusional judgments all around. Well, the definite thing is that the world out there is totally different from how it is viewed from inside our clown-colored shell. Its not about the materialistic gizmo's, nor the colorful life venues, those who might think that of me are in totally ignorance of who I really am. It is deep, it is a culture. It is not like everyone walking down the sidewalk there is totally aware of where he's going and where he is right now, of course not, but something is definitely wrong within us.

I'm not corrupted yet and that makes me feel better about myself. But the porcupine tree I've descended from definitely contains some corrupt branches.

Bless us all..

One small inquiry

2008-10-10T02:16:00.002+02:00

That is unlikely to occur in anyone else's life.

Why so my dreams always provide me with an experience that I didn't have in real life, which makes me want to take this same experience in real life, have passion for it, so that everything else beside it seem tasteless.

Is it because of a personality problem? I'm a delusional imaginative fella that is not eligible to live in real life? Or what? There is not other alternative explanation you see? Which makes me think of absolutely dumping the idea of remembering my dreams or even mentioning them to myself. Seems that I will have to drop a huge load off of myself in favor of being who my mind wants me to be, all in favor of a maintaining as stronghold.

Indeed I am changing, and indeed my words are decreasing in number, and intensity, for the sake of actions that serve me, and for the sake of changes that mark the lineage of my life.

The look in my eyes has definitely changed, and that is enough of a change. Quite enough.

Mirror Mirror

2008-09-26T15:03:00.002+02:00

Reflections.. after a while:

Well.. It’s been a while since I actually WROTE anything, but I’ve been thinking a lot, and speaking to myself more. REALLY speaking to myself, u know those moments when you imagine that you are a narrator on a deep movie that leaves you with nothing solid, but in the middle it jogs your not so healthy brain, making you think about certain incidents in your life, reflect for a while until the next inspiration comes through the movie, displaying another thing that might’ve happened to you or someone close to you someday, and so forth. A low pitched voice that tells you something you may already know, telling it in the “matter of fact” matter of fact, and then it goes.. and then it comes back again.. and then it goes..

Whoever described the moon as being ‘silver’ is definitely blind.. because the moon is WHITE!! Jeez! Silver moon, come ON!

Amidst a vast city there are a lot of people u know! You know some and the others you don’t know, but there is a strange fact that states that at a certain level of madness you can actually listen to the city breathing, and hear its heartbeat. Sometimes it is faint as if dying, while other times it is loud, snarling at you to an extent! But whoever finds that intriguing could think that this is only a reflection of what is going on inside yourself. I believe that we regard the world through our own selves, we see people and expect from people what we expect from ourselves. I mean that we see a mirror that is WHAT we are!

If we are clean and pure, we are able to see people clearly, the glass is clean and wiped, so with the mere effort of a smile you can clearly see your own smile reflected upon the person infront of you. Once – if ever – that clarity is taking an ounce or two of dust, the smile gets a little smudged.. you can’t really make it out.. is it really a smile? Why is the image in the mirror infront of me not that clear? What does this gesture mean exactly?

Well it USED to be a smile before, clear and simple, right?

I’m just saying this so that everyone could check his mirror. Purchase a pack of Glance™ and a white cloth, spray and wipe, maybe there’s too much dirt that you can see, or can’t see, but why not try?

There are situations that submerge the whole mirror in a pit of mud! Wet mud! The end result is that you can’t see anything at all! How can you act without sight? Well its normal now, isn’t it? Through the years the mud could become just solid stone! A shield against visibility. Fair enough! People ask for this.

Can’t go through the hows and whys because there are books that could deal with that. All I have is this low pitched matter-of-fact voice to deal with you, poor sample of human flesh! And I am pretty much satisfied with this role in this life. Can’t force anyone to do anything, but all I can do is speak, and breath ofcourse, till I am ordered to stop breathing, and that would be the moment of collection.

You see.. this life is a business deal. You get your resources and you are asked to submit a business proposal. You are promised your paycheck in the end when you deliver the requirements in the request for proposal (RFP), given that you read the RFP carefully, and pay special attention to the terms and conditions. The payment terms are known: 100% upon delivery.. of what? Of YOU my friend!

Well, you must be able to know how and with whom are you going to utilize your resources. The Project management methodology is a key to your success. And here, YOU are the project manager as well as the technician who will implement whatever is requested in the RFP. The business analysts aid you throughout the process, and your role is to pick them carefully based on the criteria listed in the RFP document. You don’t read the RFP you get crappy Business analysts so your project delivery could be a great fiasco!

Its clear and simple. Reward of contract is upon your submittal of a letter of intent. Do you know how to prepare one?

Hope you do, and I wish I do know how to.. Let us try, shall we?

Static and Dynamic

2008-08-15T17:06:00.003+03:00

There is a great difference between a static web-page and a dynamic one.

In static web pages you don't do anything but watch, or receive the information displayed on a certain form, and then you don't get to do anything with it, just view, store, and Bob's your uncle.

On dynamic web-pages though, there are certain resources that you have - Very similar in nature to the ones on the static web page - that you can react with, give and take, provide information based on your understanding of what you could see on the rest of the content displayed.

I could see in my own culture what I could call "Static Raising" of the offspring's in general, both the males who are supposed to be the leaders of the future, and the females who are supposed to be providers of the future leaders, but what actually happens is the effects of the "Static" form of providing information to the people who will start dealing with the givens of this life in the future, and the ones who are dealing with them right now!

Dynamic as it is, the other categorized type of raising that I'm looking up to, is the sort that makes the kids UNDERSTAND the what, the how and the why. I think that as a parent there are certain things that are EXTREMELY hard to overcome, one of the most prominent ones is the parent's point of view that's called "experience" that they try to force their children to make actions upon most of the time. No need to elaborate here any further.

One of the other things that maybe has the same psychological source as the one stated formerly is what people call "Over-protection". Sometimes the kids don't need much protection in order to dynamically provide them with that ability to become dynamic: that is the ability to take inputs and process them on their own, to provide the unique output the defines who they are, thus building their own experience.

Providing luxury to the little ones is of course a goal to every parent with enough self-respect, psychological and emotional intelligence. There are side effects to this that should be eyed by those with awareness, specially who come from a background without much luxury. It can't be hidden from anyone that technology took us to another definition of what we can call "luxury", but my point of view here is that the kids should constantly be aware of how this all came into their possession, because taking luxury for granted is extremely dangerous, specially for youngsters who are not fully mature yet. In order to be a user of luxury one has to deserve it somehow, if not scientifically then mentally, at least not become a blind user per se.

You see, the point here is that if you provide your young ones with visibility over the big picture in all aspects you can, then they should be safe in this life if God wills that, because the engine of intellect placed inside their skull would constantly be working with their eyes and their senses. To tell them why, tell them how, tell them the inputs and an EXAMPLE of the processing thus the output, and not just provide them with a static web-page that has a number of words and images on them, and not allow them to comment, or even critique what they see, let alone create their own pages one day.

It is pretty much imminent that there are some things in the past that we took statically from our parents in our culture, but the truth is that my generation has undergone several major surgeries when it comes to the shape of the society we live inside. We've heard so much about the concept of the "good wife that lasts" from the older generation, and let us just look deeper into how much disrespect this model has to the concept of wife. Does she have to become 'something' that lasts? Is this the only thing a man wants from a woman? Someone to be static at home and take care of all his needs, tolerate him, tolerate the kids, last for as long as she has breath in her body, and that's it?!

Again I said "Static", haven't I? Yeah, guys nowadays are somewhere in between the choices "dynamic" women provide (I'm neither with or against the concept, because I haven't defined it yet) and the statues of the past that come into being when the guy's ego kicks in, and finds out that he wants someone to control instead of someone to.. someone to SHARE with in every aspect, someone to satisfy, someone to give and take with, someone to have an intelligent conversation with, someone you can trust in most aspects to run the project of your life efficiently, because in this life human knowledge is running really fast, and if you fall behind then your project will never be a winner.

Dynamic again, it is a dynamic life, and two hands need to build not just one. Nowadays you cannot throw the burden of life on the man's shoulders only, and the support of the wife in our current times has totally different requirements from the wife's support in the old "simpler" days. A wife that has never played PC games in her life would not understand the kind of fun her kids have while playing on the PS3 for example, and without that kind of understanding her orders will be just "Static", STOP PLAYING! Instead of providing a more intellectual manner of doing business inside the house, aiding in providing something more complex than food on the table to the "Leaders of the future". That's merely a trivial example, but I think it gives an idea of what I want to say.

I'm not saying anything new here I think, I'm just trying to become a witness upon my own self, so that one day when I am a husband and a parent inshaAllah, I would try to become someone who applies what he says and what he believes in, so help me God.

Direct Denial

2008-08-12T20:37:00.002+03:00

Whether direct or indirect, denial does exist.

We as humans tend to face things on our way through our lives, or choose not to face them although we might think that they chose to face us, but in reality things come our way according to choices we have already made, based on influences we have subdued upon the different entities that brush by us as we move along.

Hesitantly, we investigate. A foot forward and another backwards, some things push us in forward motion yet the fog is present ahead, and the stern is closed as there is no way back. The choice has been made so the resulting chunk of consequences is blocking the path of motion, that is, if we want it to.

Some people say that we choose our own paths, and we CAN pick up what most people call obstacles, and turn them into challenged that help us and aid us to prove that a human being really does have a choice, and the Human being's choice is definitely to conquer! Not to conquer as to divide God's land for the aim of his own personal benefit, but to conquer himself inside-out.

The object of Fear does come into mind once a challenge is brought forward, yes indeed it does, and God said that the Human being is created in weakness, which is a very deep meaning and proves itself on every step one takes in his life. Seldom do we stop speaking about hardships and obstacles, few are the times that we can have a long conversation without someone complaining about what he suffers from this or that, but how often do we hear human beings talking about a challenge conquered, or a chain breaking, or a real breakthrough that's been made?

Fear, Fear, Fear. Sigh! The thing is that once you know your own fears you can start to plan for overcoming them, or at least when you know yourself well enough you can run down a path that doesn't collide with what you are afraid of, be it something from inside yourself or something that you are afraid of coming from an external source.

I think that the ultimate fear most human beings suffer from is fear of failure. By all means human beings don't want to fail at an endeavor or else in front of their own selves they will be destroyed. A person is VERY sensitive towards his self-image, or to how he sees himself in general, anything that aids in breaking that image brings up fear at large, and with most people it is not just fear but sheer panic, thus resulting in extreme actions that are generally driven by the engine inside a the self which could be called self-recognition.

Maybe I'm all wrong, maybe all my words are just a big rattle of an empty can, but something tells me that I will succeed, something tells me that I am on a good track, something tells me that I am here to make a difference, and I sure as hell want to make one! I look up at the sky and pray that my prayers are answered, indeed I do pray that I am not Mercy forsaken, for that is my ultimate fear.

Another round here Bob, Abdo's a thirsty one!

A certain reality

2008-08-11T15:39:00.002+03:00

There were a number of people complaining from Muslims around the world, different cultured and different backgrounds, but all Muslims who are complaining from other Muslims around them.

Complaining from what? Well.. If you are a Muslim with a certain profile then you know what I am talking about.

Well, my answer was the following:

here is just one reality we have to accept here..

The Majority of People (not just Muslims), are suffering from a number of mental and psychological discrepancies that make them act in certain ways that seem "not so acceptable" by those who are not suffering from those same discrepancies..

Literally, we cannot categorize people as such, because maybe WE are the ones who are not on the correct path and they are the ones who are right, who knows?

Also, this IS the way people have been all throughout history: the Majority have a certain not so sophisticated way of thinking and/or feeling that makes them do things without too much thinking and/or feeling, thus they might seem harsh or unintelligent or.. or.. or.. to the end of what we complain from.

So how do we handle that? We suppose that we are holding the middle lane of things because we follow with both our hearts and our brains, instead of sheer heartless manner that dictates what the brain tells about "rules rules and nothing but rules so help me God", or the totally brainless manner that pulls us into the realm of "OHHHH.. HAAAH.. people are so bad so we will have to isolate ourselves in a mosque and forget about society"

Believe me, when you look for what "drives" people to act in the way they are acting things will get a lot easier, because simply you will "understand" why X is acting that way (X is any person here).. for example i've seen those who go into religion all of a sudden grabbing the baggage they have from a deep case of an inferiority complex, so they end up in growing a beard, holding the siwak to the masjid on every prayer, wearing the short trousers, and saying that this is Islam, and anyone who doesn't do what I do is not a good Muslim. The poor guy here just wants to feel that he has an identity, and that he is doing something unique: as a form of the simplest human right: to feel distinguished, and to feel that one has an attribute that makes him/her stand visible from among the crowd.

What I mentioned just here is a sort of sickness. Now do you think that we should treat a sick person as if he/she is a normal healthy person?

Another question arises here: Was prophet Mohamed PBUH sent only for those with enough complexion and awareness to hold the middle path between the brain and the heart? Those who reflect, think, understand and apply?

In addition to that: what was prophet Mohamed's reaction to those people with a certain psychological or mental defect that makes them act in a way that disrespects them in the eyes of those with intellect? Did he bash them? isolate them? Definately NO because he was sent to save them from themselves.

And the formation of the people around Prophet Mohamed PBUH was picked from those who are on a higher level of intellect AND sincerity to aid in paving a path of guidance that can save all those others from the simplicity of their brains and hearts.

So if we consider ourselves with a certain amount of visibility, then I think we should tolerate, understand the drives of people, and treat them accordingly, instead of just demonstrating the act of walking in an opposing path to theirs.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is life's toughest test.

The Duke of DarkShire

2008-06-04T11:05:00.002+03:00

Ask me about premonition, and I'll tell you a lot
Talk to me about the sunny skies, though you live in a pot
It is all your imagination, delusional on the spot
At the end of the day your dreams are everything you've got!

Let me tell you about a Duke, a tall dark handsome courageous able-bodied and able-minded young man who knows too much, yet could do little for the people of his own small shire, who are suffering from the lack of wits, power, wealth, and guidance.

But now let us speak about the Duke himself, and the things flying around his head, his body, as well as the butterfly-like beings flowing through his insides in a swift yet not-so-gentle manner.

Now let us close our eyes and take a step downwards, to switch the background scenery from the blue skies that are filled with cotton clouds, the green valleys and hills that extend to the end of sight, the small Grey city with all the human figures going back and forth, in and out of the small city, down to the colorless tasteless emotionless reality of our life, yet still with the mentality of a Duke of a higher rank, an ex-warrior in the King's legions, one who's had wounds during the different battles he undertook, and the one who carries the burden of knowing more than he should about the amount of evil the human race is able to provide.

He doesn't have the ability to write, because writing presents him with the sheer white wisdom that he believes in, thus witnessing what should be, and how things are supposed to be weighed thus judged, then further evaluated with all the clarity his writings dictate. But in reality a belief is something and practicing the belief is a totally different story.

When you find yourself generating words of wisdom and practices that should come forth, and find out that reality is so far away from this baseline of your handsomely assorted tray of thoughts, then you have a huge problem my friend! A problem that stops you from further thinking, turning your head the other direction and just live it. By living it just like everyone else you come to traverse a wide range of trivial activities, with a bigger possibility of escaping into a small dark pit that is already populated, and inside that pit are other people who may have chosen to stay down there for the rest of their lives, yet, you are only a visitor, and you might think that you are not at times, but still, on a higher level of thinking you are a Duke of higher rank, and you belong in a castle, or so you think!

It is about directions which we take, to go our different ways. Not sure where I wanna go with this but I have changed in so many ways, and I've come to start weighing my own self several times to see what my aspirations are and how am I ever gonna achieve them. Every now and then I glance at the circumstances, then regard how other people are handling them. Momentarily you can feel frustrated and paralyzed, but then if you have the mentality of a Duke inside you, you can view the circumstances as challenges, your aspirations as things that you are on your way to carry out, and time as some saber-tooth being running after you ready to bury its fangs into your neck.

Fighting your way in the field of battle with a sword is way easier than these days, where the enemy is unseen and maybe lurking inside your chest, directing your heart to directions that you would never understand, opening up the gates of indulgences that you never thought of being indulged in before, giving your plans a shake in the knees, that is if you've had a plan at all. Holding on to the beliefs that you see coming out of your mouth is the hard way to line the walls of the way you are walking through, edgy grounds under your feet are taking your eyes off the road that you think you will be taking, but hell yes you should not stop moving... The saber-tooth has no mercy.

Its been a while since I wrote anything, the Duke is standing with his helmet resting at his arm, his sword in one hand, and his cape moving with the air around him. He stands on a hill watching upon his Shire that represents who he is, looking down regretfully, still staring up at the sky looking for hope, he has a treasure hidden somewhere inside the dwellings of his shire, so he should be ready to climb downhill and fight his way through to fetch it.

But is he ready?

A dialect of Thought

2008-03-23T14:38:00.002+02:00

New things, old things.. Just a couple of things or maybe nothing at all. As random as it can be some thoughts are better not said out loud, or moreover better not be thought about at all!

There is this one thing that one could spend a lot of time doing, which is disconnection from an entanglement. Once you're into something that provides another thing that connects with you somehow, or provides you with a reasonable cause to survive, or maybe shallowly satisfies a psychological need inside yourself, once you are entangled it is so hard to disconnect, and it takes training and self-control to a very aggressive extent!

So, there are two factors controlling and affecting such a thing, the first is History in such a thing, or training and experience to be more precise. The Second would be the amount of self-visibility available, or transparency between one and himself. If you know yourself well enough you will be able to understand why and how being so involved in a certain thing satisfies a certain side of you. So instead of treating a situation of entanglement it would be more healthy to go to the source, which in our case would be the WHY you got entangled in the first place, right?

Here comes a very important question: How well do we know ourselves?

I said before many times that the easiest way of knowing yourself is to gain knowledge about the twists and turns of the human self in general, knowledge of what drives a human being to act this or that way, human nature in itself, and then you think of your actions based on the knowledge you've gained so far, most importantly with 'Honesty', which means that at times you will come to say it out loud inside yourself: "Yes, I am mistaken, yes I am not so pure!".. Which is pretty normal if you'd ask me; because no one is perfect, and no one is right all the time.

Playing the victim is one thing human beings are professionals at. "See? I am misjudged! See? I was good all the way! See what who and who does me in return? This is Unjust!!" to the end of those memorized expressions that escape the human tongue numerous times through the short cycle of a human's life. But few are those who do really admit that sometimes the intention was not so pure to things backfired in my face for example, or anyone admitting that there is a weakness inside me towards this thing or the other..

We all find it really easy to play the role of the victim in any tight situation we get subjected to.

Why?

This is human nature folks! Only a few chosen ones know how to fight such a thing.. or to be more accurate few have the drive that takes then into the arena of the fight in the first place.

This drive would simply be the desire to become someone better, for the sake of whoever, or for the sake of whatever. But blessed are the lives of those who do it for the sake of God!

Need I say more?

Guidance

2008-03-03T06:17:00.002+02:00

Granted?

Or is there a certain part that yet exists and does not deserve it?

From the blessings of this life is the ability to open your heart out in words, spoken with ultimate respect to The One and only, Him who knows the number of cells in each speck of grass in Central Park, Hyde Park, and every other park and green field on the face of this poor planet.

There are always different ways to ask for the same thing. Creative ways are most of the time more attractive, and one exerts effort trying to convey the idea of the 'thing' that is needed through them. Efforts for His sake are always highlighted, noticed, and never are overlooked, and that is one truth that looks me up the face every morning.

Guidance and protection against evil are what the good hearts ask for. May we and our beloved ones be of those, Amen!

Bandits

2008-02-23T20:25:00.003+02:00

"..*Static*..Mayday, mayday.. we're taking multiple bandits.. over! we need backup, NOW!... *fading*"

Yeah, fading, disappearing. In need for a change at a point near in the future. My readings are getting more accurate by the day, my head is generating more intelligence as time passes. My dreams are providing those invisible gestures that aid me through the various issues of my everyday life indeed. Then when it comes to defense against bandits the shield wears down, and visibility is deliberately limited.

A cup of cappuccino, a cheese cake, afternoon sun outside, glass protecting us from the fierce sun outside, white shiny grounds of the vast space inside the glass, a smile and a look in the eye, followed by hard pounding in the chest. The climax of the look in the loving eye has a hand that grabs your heart as it happens. A look in THE eye is different than a look in the bandit's eye, specially when the eye has the air of strong spirituality around it, the one that keeps you in comfort that everything is going to be okay no matter what, because together with that eye, we are guaranteed to be protected by The Divine; for the increase in the spirit the eye provided and still does whenever thought of.

This is just a literary piece provided by and inspiration of an imaginary dream, one that could be or couldn't, no one really knows, but one does wait and see.

Around the corner is an ice-cream stand, white with colorful drawings atop. The small kids we are get normally attracted to such a stand, every time we're in this place we go to that stand, she orders her hazelnut and vanilla, while I take my usual mint-chocolate and peanut butter. Strolling down the white grounds we come across a stand where they sell books, English and Arabic books, with a small intelligent Asian behind the stand with eyes down following the lines of a book in his hands, Grey eyebrows raised as if a ritual for information input, raised in respect for the amount of knowledge being conveyed from the book. Anyway we marched hand-in-hand forward, when an interesting title attracted us both. It read: "Empires, Treasures, and spirituality".

With a cute vanilla-stained lip she looked at me like a little kid, her eyes telling me that she wants to read the book, and at the same time she was sure that I was gonna buy it. A kind of telepathy that could only occur between us both but we can't tell people that, we prefer to keep it inside, no reasons should be stated. The Asian suddenly glanced upwards at us, as if he was underwater and finally emerged. His smart eyes realized the situation right away, the sales man inside him took over immediately as he got off his chair - carefully placing his book on a small coffee table by his side -, approached us with a grand-father smile, saying "My humble little bookstore is happy indeed, how may I help you?".

The book was ours. The guy gave us a good bargain as it was the last copy he had, my sweet sugar pie was very excited about it. I know she is excited when I could hear her feet tapping the ground as she walks by. Her eyes go a little dreamy and the corners of her lips are locked on a very feeble yet visible smile, the whole scene of her is priceless anyway and I thank God for providing her by my side, and for the understanding we have with each other, the one that we could have lived without, but we are too grateful that it is there.

Oh did I ever tell you how much she means to me? Seems like I didn't. Well all you have to do is close your eyes and imagine us both walking together down the highway of life, how would we be clinging to each other? How would we need to be walking as one for the sole reason of survival in here? We need protection and it could very much be provided through each other. Those who get in a relationship without that kind of clingsmanship (the word does not exist in English but I just made it up) will for sure suffer as life is not that easy anymore. We have been told that the kinds ones are for the kind ones, and our case was true. Both too kind ones would mean a house of whipping boys, but that's not true with us. We have balance, we can manage, and we for sure know how to ask for God's protection.

Yeah, I'm taking multiple bandits, but the shields are about to come up due to an internal exhaustion. I can hear them start to move, the metal is moaning in motion. Do you have all your weapons ready for and all-out-defense mode?

Let us see.

Loving Fear

2008-02-21T11:06:00.002+02:00

A small window of a certain sensation followed by a quick view upon an idea, and then a broad metallic armor of assurance has crossed my chest. What happened was the occurrence of Fear. For several days there was this fear taking over, causing my skin to shiver, and my hair to stand every now and then. Fear is the opposite of being happy and that's just the beginning. Fear is essential for the human life, but an overdose could be utterly devastating.

I was actually somewhere else when the sensation crossed my body starting from my eyes and ending at my heart. I was driving on the messy highway under a cloudy sky at evening time. A colleague of mine was in the passenger's seat, sleeping, while I was trying my best to stay alert and evade the acrobatics being made by trucks and micro-buses all around me, causing the highway to be something really close to a flea circus, but that's not our issue now.

The clouds were all above me, but the horizon was cloud-free. There was a chill of coldness in the air although the Korean windows around me were tight shut. Fear was worrying me, as of WHY? And most importantly what could take this fear away? I had a glance up my rear-view mirror, to see the most sensational scene ever. The sun was dark Orange, on its way home down from between the clouds, beneath the clouds, causing a reflection of Orange light over my eyes and my face. I was high in a sense! really! And I had this weird feeling that I've been here before. Here is somewhere that LOOKS like this scene but is a totally different place with an alternating environment. I took away all the chaotic parts surrounding me and acted as if I'm all alone, and I really believed that I was alone!

Then I felt this 'thing' in my heart. One fantasy of my childhood became true or something? This scene, this place, this air, that dizziness, that sort of calm music playing, all that is absolutely perfect. But.. it is missing something. Fear was so far away at that point, and I discovered that fear is one product of loneliness. I imagined my love sharing this same moment with me, my love in her gown with a question mark filling the position where her face is. I can imagine how her words would be, I can imagine the rate of her breath sneaking into my ears barely heard, I could make up the sensation of her existence next to mine, and the lean of her head upon my chest resting in comfort and peacefulness. Love filled my heart for her, I was absolutely full. Fear was totally out of the picture, it disappeared, and it never came back up till now.

Then I looked up into the clouds and thought: there is a higher type of love, much higher and more comforting. The love of God is a blessing that fills not just your heart, but your senses, your tongue, and your eyes with tears. This love completes you, makes you invincible, pumps molten metal into your heart rather than blood. You become as emotional as a volcano, yet as solid as a mountain. Amazing how both can be one, a mountain erupting into a volcano. And more amazing is the example God gave in His book, about how a mountain would act if the Book was sent down on it! Well that is the love of God. Makes you an invincible loving creature. Invincible does not mean eternal or undying, but it means unaffected by the happenstances of life, those that cause the storms of fear to brew upon our lives, declining the tidal wave of love. Fear is a feeling that opposes sharing and companionship strongly!

We all live under one same sky, and glance upon the same white moon. Does that person in that place look at that same moon I'm looking at right now? What is he/she thinking right now? what is he/she doing right now?

The world is a great place when we are near who we love. May we always be so!

Hypothetical

2008-02-18T06:06:00.003+02:00

Good morning sunshine! Its 6am in the morning and I'm all dressed up ready to get to work, having my morning coffee and some salted bread ready for a new day that I pray to God is a useful day filled with the least possible sins. Now a few minutes ago I was having a thought that just made me rethink some of my previous assumptions about a certain type of people, one that will make me have a good long halt before hypothetically throwing judgments upon people ever again.

Two weeks ago I was at the club, with my folks and my sister and her small family, and while there we saw another family that was formed of two Bearded fathers, one of them with the sort of Pakistani Uniform, niqabi sisters, some kids, and two niqabi girls that can't exceed 13 years old by any means.

I frowned, grimaced, and didn't feel comfortable at all with the idea of putting my two baby girls inside a niqab. They were on the swing playing like any other baby girl, but there's no way to tell whether they were smiling or not. All I know is that they are constantly looking around them while running here or there, most probably because they feel different in a way, different from the other girls their age that's for sure.

Now we were talking about a Sharjah-resident Egyptian scholar who was always known with his pretty much rigid opinions and sticking-to-the-wall fatwa's, and my sister was telling me that she saw him on TV the other day calling for the Muslims not to force their kids into niqab or even into Hijab, because such things should come from the heart and mind, or else various possibilities of wrongdoings could be done all bound around religion, while religion is inocent from such liabilities.

I wouldn't force my daughter into anything, but rather me and her mother would become the role model would always look up to, if we are successful at making our daughter love us, then she will do what we do inshaAllah, she will automatically love the model and try to stick to it: in her own way, three lines under the last few words.

But now the way the human brain works is astonishing! Now what made sure that those two young girls have been forced to wear the Niqab? Maybe their folks are doing a great job at raising the taqwa inside those two girls, the thing that made them make that decision themselves and decide to wear the niqab for the reason of pleasing Allah, the one they love the most! Why assume that people are all like me, having the same points of weakness and/or strength that I have? Why can't people be better than I am? Why can't there be a better way of thinking than mine?

And for sure there is! I for sure want to learn, and make my heart learn in the process. Thinking of issues your own way make a lot of sense to you, seemingly the best logical common sense there is. But then again when you take your mind out of your own brain and body combo, things become to alter a little bit. Why hypothetically assume that the girls feel locked inside their black top-to-bottom gown? Are you a girl for instance? Of course you as a male would feel uncomfortable in such a manner of clothing, then why assume that a female would?

You see? Its really hard not to surrender to our own perceived thoughts, not to surrender to the way our own print of thinking or manner of flow of electric pulses in that brain of ours! We are different and there's mercy in that fact. For instance wearing niqab opens up a door for profit for those who tailor them long black gowns, thats just a simple thought. Who knows who is right and who is wrong? Why accuse people of being different than us? Are we that good? On a thought I don't think that we're doing that good of a job, and if we think we are then we for sure are NOT doing a good job.

I think that's a way of thinking that could make us absorb other people, and build upon our relationships with everyone we meet, be it a demon or an elf. We try to understand: we live more experiences, we close our heads: we don't learn anything! Who is better on the day of judgment? Him who learned more, or him who closed his doors and windows thinking that Carbon Dioxide is better than Oxygen?

I love Oxygen no matter what!

Do you?

What?

2008-02-15T04:12:00.002+02:00

Is it that I'm trying to do? Why and what do I think it could lead to?

Ever ask yourself that question?

Well the thing is that you must ask yourself that question all the time. We do stupid things, we have high hopes sometimes, or a sort of dream that we think may be granted but later on get devastated when it doesn't happen, etcetera etcetera. I think one of the strongest indicators of what to happen afterwards, or an indicator for the consequences of things we do lies in the answer to the above question.

Are we answering based on an assumption? or are we answering based on things that are closer to facts than fiction? Are we mature enough to be answering or do we need help in getting our answers? The thing is that the more we think we don't need advice the more severe the consequences become, and at the same time the more advice we get the more confused we become! How about that?! Situations that keep on swinging between North and South without stopping could be a real pain in the neck, situations where your self-confidence is at stakes are really tight ones.

What is a man more than an individual dealing with other individuals - called people - who form his own small world. A small life compared to the whole world, but the whole world when viewed from the perspective of the individual. One wise thought is that there are types of knowledge, a type that is useful, and another that is not, but not necessarily harmful. I come to think about my ideas as just knowledge that is just up here, whether it is right or wrong is unknown yet it is still waiting to be verified, and as the solvent of time is added to the solution of life things become clearer.

Here I am babbling incoherently about some Jingo Bingo from the Land of the talking socks, and incoherent are the thoughts accumulating in that poor Grey engine inside my skull. While sleeping yesterday night it -the Grey engine- generated almost every situation and every major incident, dream, wish, fear and emotion that I have experienced in the past year or so, all in a matter of what? Five minutes maximum? I woke up exhausted, in a way unable to grasp what just happened? Is it that my brain is flushing the trash out for something new to get in? Or is it that I do have a lot of unfinished business to take care of? Will see, but still there is a feeling of unrest lurking under the table, the sort of silent frustration that occurs before a hurricane, yet no one can stop the hurricane, now can they?

Can't place my hand on the problem yet, and the vibes I get are those of something lacking, or missing. My dear brother is absent and I am missing him badly, without a hope to see him anytime before Summer. Myself altogether is not satisfied with myself, I want to see me through the eyes of an else, who am I really? What is my purpose? What can I do and do I really have a mission statement or am I gonna leave the same way I came in, adding nothing but consuming many?

I'd hate to be like that, and for that reason I am postponing an idea till God wills and shows his signs of a Go Ahead, or else a pit of solitude where one reaps although listeners are unheard of, calculating, evaluating, circulating and indicating that the only way out is upwards, an elevation towards the light, the simple, the clear and the pure. Hard choices have to be made and its not a load of fun just yet, more of a cold war to devastate the internal enemies that keep the pit alive and breathing, able to cope with more and more, making the company more and merrier.

But the company out of the pit is more real, and the light is making things more visible and clear. The idea sort of reminds me of a really stupid dream I had yesterday about a big glass house with many guests, where there are parts that trap people inside making them run inside and try to escape, where other parts are filled with food and drink, and merry people who don't give a damn. Outside are long queues of people waiting to come inside the house as guests. The action was breathtaking and there were a lot of funny situations, but the theme was a bit more dramatic and tragic, the sky was not the bluest but rather yellowish, but still it was an outdoor dream.

I's never actually seen an aeroplane from the inside during my life, never been outside the country where I live, and such an experience is now essential. I need to see more sorts of people, expand my views and understand how the real world operates, rather than just the bunch of sheep stumbling upon each other right where I am. Having the global experience from where I am is like seeing pictures that are actually not complete pictures but puzzle pieces, knowing one aspect and then the other, one idea and another, but actually understanding the others, or experiencing the culture is an absolutely different thing.

And a difference is what I wish to make!

So Help me God!

Hug

2008-02-08T03:20:00.000+02:00

What sort of difference can a hug do? A hug between brothers, or between sisters, is like one of the purest forms of joy on this planet.

Yesterday I had a very moving dream. I dreamt of Mohamed AbouTreika - no laughs please - and i hugged him and wept a lot! He was as smiling as always, with that pure innocent face, and man did I take his spiritual fingerprint, sure I did, but why him and why crying? That was something to keep my mind busy for the rest of the day.

He simply - at least for me and some 50 Million other Egyptians - gives us a very trustworthy role model. He is modest, skilled, lovable, humble, religious, ethical, and brings smiles to his people. He makes us happy, and his clear spirit shows on his face and in the interviews he appears on. He is simply someone you would like to have as a brother. The way he always refers to his teammates whenever he is being praised just makes you think how good that person really is. The way he ALWAYS makes sujood immediately after his team scores just makes your skin shiver.

Now internally, in the psychology of me somewhere, I long for a public figure like that in my life, I need to love someone close to me with that sort of personality, and since I don't know someone with those attributes in my real life then the image was created by my mind during sleep. I hugged him and started talking to him about my problems, sharing them with him, because I love him and trust him, and wish to be his friend somehow!

And that's not the first hug'n'weep dream of the month, but maybe the fifth or sixth. Turns out that i'm turning into a sissy! I should tie a pink ribbon above my head and call myself Daisy Duck, eh? But it seems that I DO need a hug, badly! I'm not suffering, but I've just reached this point in my life where a part of me is in that need of companionship that's all, but it can't be acquired at the current timing except if I'm REALLY in the domain of God's satisfaction, in the domain where really good things happen without anyone's intervention.

But then again one thinks and finds out that really good things happen to us all the time without any intervention from us, like the beats of our hearts, like the way we digest food seamlessly, or the way we breath without pain, or the parents and the sort of raising that we are satisfied with, or the food on our tables, or,.. or,.. or.. But the human is selfish and is in a constant search for what he does not have. And for that a quest for self-satisfaction is underway, and without that sort of quest a human being could be dubbed something other than a human being, which happens in the numerous cases in the Arab world when there is a human whose been always getting what he asks for and what he didn't ask for without any interventions from his part. That certainly creates a criminal, aka: something other than a human being.

We thank God for knowing that we should thank Him. We thank God for giving us the privilege of carrying out the act of thanking Him, and naming certain things that we are so grateful that we have, then shyly asking for something more, and blessed him who asks the Creator for blessing him with the blessing of strong faith, more taqwa, and more protection from the different lusts that exist inside of us and encouraged by what is outside of us.

That indeed is a different book, but let us first learn to Love the book that we have. I had a dream that I was hugging that book, because I just love it!

May He always keep our intentions crystal clear.

Roads

2008-02-04T06:19:00.000+02:00

A feeling of longing for an old road that was followed and feels too familiar, as one misses it but discarded it sometime earlier in a past. That past acts as a book, to learn from and criticize, like watching a small child carry on with his deeds, and you, unable to alter what he does, only act as an observer, with so little to do, and so much to know.

Roads cross as there are Billions and Billions of them. One might be amazed with how people's roads cross here and there, and feels more amazed when thinks "why?".. When calm music goes through your ears as you are riding on a bus, watching the streets, a creative part of your brain wants to write about that, sing about that, sigh about that, and moreover wishes to share that, with someone going the same road, having the same impulse, be it a desert road or a rosy one, be it a bumpy ride or a really smooth one..

It just needs to be shared..

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Pink Floyd Lyrics

Black Diamond

2008-02-03T20:29:00.000+02:00

A Black Diamond In a sense could be too beautiful for one to takes his eyes off! Imagine a diamond with all its beauty, not only that but its black, a shiny attractive small stone that instead of reflecting light it only absorbs it, keeping it selfishly, in a way..

In other ways, it could resemble the sinful attraction, or the attraction of sin..

My hands are freezing while typing right now, yet still I can't stop myself. There is something in the air that I don't know what it is, this thing could most likely be the spirit of a Black Diamond, eh? Ok now I REALLY sound way out of my mind, right? Can't say for sure, but I know that I'm not hearing voices, nor sure that someone is always there watching form over my shoulder, not I'm running down the street rest assured that someone is running after me.. no!

All I know is a part of the truth that's not leaving my head intact, because at some stage my head has a direction, my body has a direction, and my heart has a different direction, and thinking about that made me realize that very fact.

I can give way to the directions of my heart and it might let me discover caverns that my mind can't seem to cope with, or accept. On another occasion I could give way to my body and that would take me somewhere that neither my mind not my heart agree with, because it simply means the devastation of this life AND the next one, which is not acceptable.. YET.. The body needs, the body fetches, but all doors are closed and that is the work of the Merciful hand that works in silence.

When my mind controlled my heart, the consequences were not any better either, because there was a huge objection from the heart, AND from the Creator of the heart, thus a huge amount of frustration arose causing an infinite amount of troubles, which ended in a huge crash for the 'self', which is I think a combination of both the mind and the Heart... as well as the fingerprints of the deeds.

As a wise man who's having white hair and a looooong white beard I might say: Plan for your heart and let destiny take its turn. If your plan sounds sane enough in the splits of time where the mind is in control, then the plan might be good. The next question that should be asked: Is the heart okay with it? Or are there any conflicts that are causing sleepless nights, frustrations, and other forms of spiritual degeneration? That's a good indication too..

And so forth..

Sounds like a good plan, yeah? Time for application kiddo!

And then again, time for some imitation of a lady so elegant:

Again I see you standing there watching me
Your gaze, those eyes are tantalizing openly
Inviting me to get close to you
Can't help myself
There's fascination in the air
I try to fight this strong sensation
But there's no chance to escape from this temptation
Feels like I've known you before
Repeating phrases
But I yearn for something more
I know
I can't stay
by your side
forever
But I know
I won't forget
your beauty
My black diamond

Stratvarius lyrics

Drums

2008-02-02T03:41:00.000+02:00

Drums of war are a warning that a war is about to begin? or maybe that a legion is about to strike. I've come to think lately of my dreams as indications of my internal status and my spiritual satisfaction, and whether I'm taking a good path or a rotten one.

Also I've come to think of dreams as choice providers, specially when there is an issue that you've prayed istikhara for and going along with it but you don't know yet whether this is good for you or not! An indicator they say is a dream about the issue that shows you whether it rings any alarms or is it a good thing, and you still have your choice. You may choose not to take it even if it is shown as a good thing for you, that's called free will, and everything happens according to a Divine plan I believe.

I don't like it when all of my dreams happen at night, at night inside the dream I mean. I love the dreams that happen in the morning light, specially if it is raining - like yesterday night. Last night I had a quite peculiar dream - and they all are - about my riding in the old car of a colleague at work that I don't like at all, we were going 90 to 100 kph, and I commented that her car could go up to that sort of speed, then we arrived somewhere on the nile, where there is that bridge that you go up to on stairs, and it was raining as i climbed down the stairs of the bridge. The nile was huge and everything around it was green, the air was fresh, and the person walking in front of me was wearing a black coat.

Dreams let out the steam, the tension, and the frustration that occurs because of the unfulfilled desires of the earthly mundane life I believe. Without them I could've been someone else, and I thank Allah for who I am, and for what He gave -and still constantly gives- me.

There are those dreams that occur frequently about a loving animal, a dog to be precise, where I cuddle him, pat him, and hug him, but he doesn't lick me and I never think about najasa in the dream! It is just that this dog's spiritual fingerprint is stamped in me, and sometimes I mistake that loving animal for someone I know in real life, his breath and closeness are recognized sometime when I hug a friend or something!

Ah! and the fact that when I dream of someone I HAVE to get any sort of contact with that person within a time period from that dream! One day I had a dream about an old schoolmate that I haven't seen for about 2 years, and I wake up to find a missed call from him on my phone! That seized to surprise me anymore.

I also dream about people before meeting them, at the places where they live, and I could describe them in detail the place they know, and the description is usually correct. That happened once that I could strongly recall, and it had a huge impact on my life!

I don't know, but I feel that I'm not supposed to disclose such information out to the public, but which public am I addressing I wonder. A friend or two, maybe also a stalker from the past? Yeah someone might be stalking me alright, thinking that I'm repeating the same crap over and over again to get some personal recognition from it. Allah knows what's in the hearts best anyway!

I have a dream alright! And that dream doesn't include involving myself in a form of life that I don't respect, nor accept!

I need to get out of here urgently, so help me Allah!

Quite a Situation!

2008-01-29T22:18:00.000+02:00

The truth be told, The truth be told
I'm worried about the future holds, the future holds
I'm starting to worry about Ray!

Can't seem to get the lyrics out of my mind, especially the first two lines of it. Not to mention the fact that the tune of the song is endlessly circulating in my head like a mosquito locked in there, waiting to be killed by the pesticide of sleep, or to be replaced by another tune as powerful to the current state of mind. *whispers: which is not so pretty you know!*

Is it me or is it that everyone I meet has eyes filled with endless unanswered questions about the future, with a touch of humiliation and worry. In arabic we call it "nafs maksoora", a broken self! Everybody is depressed, and everybody is complaining. No matter how much you have you won't be happy, that's the verdict of life in here right now. Everyone with enough wit wishes to get out of here, and less than 30% of those who are able to are not so satisfied either, but each for their own reasons.

Right now the simplest of rights are so difficult to attain, and the reasons why are too hard to grasp or even start to talk about. You can't blame anyone for being selfish and materialistic, but at the same time one of the reasons why things are not so pretty is because people have become so selfish and materialistic, like a snake biting on its own tail you see. There must be a way out, or a long-term solution for this issue, but since things have become so extreme in the homeland then the solution's beginning is most probably going to be extreme. Even my thoughts right now are not organized and I lack the ability to concentrate on what I want to say from the amount of thoughts that are behaving like fleas, jumping around randomly but in huge numbers!

An example of the simplest of rights is marriage. Guys around here cannot get married unless their folks have saved up quite a fortune for them to get married. Egyptians amaze me with their ability to save money without anyone knowing but there's nothing wrong with that, its just a comment. If a guy does not have the back of his parents to provide him with the initials of marriage (Dowry, Apartment, Car, Expensive present, money for furniture, maybe a pound of flesh from Antonio's body, and of course the most famous noisy Egyptian wedding party) then he will either not get married, or he will get married at the age starting from 31 or older.

Other than that, he will have some desperate attempts to tie up a bond with someone special, but his efforts will be slammed in the face against the thick wall of reality and even the thicker wall of social traditions and things that are in the culture and can't be changed, except with those who have real intellect and a wider space in their heads to think with. Now logically one can't blame a mother or a father of a bride for wishing for the best for their daughter, wanting to become assured that she will not live in poverty (that's number 1), or live with someone who will humiliate her (number 2)

But then again, which is more important? Money or dignity? Both are important and that's not negotiable. But someone for sure is missing a point, and the point is for sure lack of faith in the goodness of what is brought forth into our lives. Maybe I am just being Utopian, but the fact is that I KNOW people who are not like the examples I just mentioned, and who really don't care much about the financial status of the groom, don't stress at all on financial stuff, but wish to see a happy couple living under the umbrella of Allah's blessing.

Allah mentioned in the Quran that those who take the middle path are witnesses upon the others. The thing is that those people who don't stress on financial stuff live in comfort and contentedness, while others live a feverish life of continuous search of what is higher on the financial side: More expensive, more beautiful, more luxurious, giving us a more advanced social image maybe, Allah knows better what is inside the hearts of people.

Bottom line is that like the mentioned desperate attempts are exhaustive, and in the end the guys' verdicts are that its not worth it since no matter what we will gain it won't be enough, so to hell with it and to hell with the idea of marriage itself, let us just live our lives and enjoy what we can enjoy out of it.. and that's just about it. Not so cool of a concept but what else could be done. I'm living that situation right now and I'm too exhausted and/or occupied to search for a way out of it, and at the same time i'm not so excited about it! But what can I do? I am helpless right now and myself tells me that I need some sort of change. I used to absolutely believe that this change must be spiritual, and I can't say that I believe in something other than that, but maybe there are things that I do that pull my soul downwards so that I'm unable to emerge upwards to breath the fresh air up there somewhere (nice rhyme). And here a fact is being debated inside my head: even if you are able to emerge spiritually, what difference is it gonna make? The facts remain facts!

Don't know! I'm pretty much confused right now and can't truly grasp which desires inside of me are good, true and should be pursued and which are not! What my intentions are regarding the actions I take with the matters in my life now are also not so clear. The only clear thing is that I know that things are not clear. At least I know what exactly is not clear, right?

At a certain stage of surrounding circumstances the real believers in the wisdom of what is happening were really contented having enough peace of mind and peace at heart, but right now even those are being constantly worried about the future! Things are getting ridiculous and soon the numbers of people able to live like human beings is gonna shrink exponentially if things continue going this way! Not so optimistic, eh? On what basis can I be optimistic? And that's the Million Dollar question.

It is even absolutely difficult to keep the soul healthy! The amount of sins that are around are getting greater in number, and easier in availability! All that under the enormous pressure of the struggle to just live, makes one unable to fight for his body, so how fight for his soul??!

The devil is certainly happy now, that even the uncontrollable spirit of human believers has been conquered, and those who have it are decreasing rapidly in numbers. Last Ramadan for example was so weak in spirits! The prayers had so little taste compared to the Ramadan's before it, and the ones before it had less spirits that the ones before it, and so forth!

Is this the front of the shock wave that is awaiting to sweep the unjust human race? A lot of political analyzers say that the situation is that of a pre-world-war, and I can't seem to disagree much with that, and I can't seem to get dressed as a clown and laugh my way down the street either, such sarcasm that comes from a bitter throat as if imprisoned in the dirtiest of dungeons.

A snarl and a frown are all I'm able to do now! May Allah give me the ability to do anything else!

Amen

The Elegance of her image

2008-01-26T03:26:00.000+02:00

A black tender scarf over soft light skin. A black weightless cloak moving along, creating a cool breeze of air as it traverses the clean artificial air of the room. A small figure with thin little fingers emerging from the black sleeve, showing a clean palm well-taken care of, with the knuckles barely visible in a hand that is busy treating the colorful papers used to provide entertainment for them little ones.

Elegantly yet shyly walks through the vast hyper store to bring groceries for cooking, the small hands push the cart around while the thin yet round face switches directions from shelf to shelf searching for the low-fat milk here, or the margarine there, maybe a can of sweet peas and a pack of basmati rice. Her steps upon the white shiny grounds of the store are barely audible, with the small white and blue sneakers moving in a mechanical hasty manner to cover longer distances given her relatively small build. You could almost listen a tap tap tap tap..

Paper bags cover her existence as she struggles for the keys in her shoulder bag, not a purse but a teacher's bag where there is a convenient pocket upfront for the mobile phone and the car's remote. When she finally manages to place her groceries safely into the trunk she gets in the driver's seat, for the seatbelt to rest softly over her shoulder so that she could push the button and start the silent engine. As soon as the car comes out under God's sky she puts on her sunglasses and realizes that she is going home, but not the home she's longing for.

There are very important things missing in the home she's going for now and every afternoon on her way back she remembers that. She struggles her tears but can't help but feel one or two rolling down her cheek as she recalls how much she misses the presence that is now no more, and as she hopes for the return of what is missing sooner than later.

A sentimental being she is, in a city that never sleeps. The night lights that awake the demons inside the residents only awaken the poetic angel inside her. She is always longing for a heavenly feeling that she knows she never experienced but she is sure that it is out there, waiting to be given for her at the right moment. She views everything through her black pretty eyes as a message directly into her emotional web, to be analyzed and then released back into the open air as she dares not hold anything captive, yet she is the one captivated by the sensitivity of her web.

She is a fine elegant young woman. She is gentle and protected from her Creator if He Wills.

She sees the Gulf, she feels the heat, but her image never reaches her eye sight, as she is higher than to care much about herself.

She cares about the whole world!

:)

P is for Power

2008-01-26T02:12:00.000+02:00

The power of them words. One can do a lot of change through his use of words indeed! Pushing buttons, pulling legs, boosting self-esteem, providing love and support, a lot of positive things that can be done through the correct use of words. Amazingly the Khatib today was talking about this same fact. If you are in the street and you wish to make a change, see what the people are talking about in order to understand them. With the correct understanding and the efficient use of words you could hopefully be a positive part of society.

But that's not what I want to banter about, I have other issues tonight!

Being sentimental these days is not so healthy, in this world of devastating conflicts, where one can hardly ever live in peace without being harmed and without harming anyone. Turbulences don't have mercy on many souls, and fights have to be faught all the time, some visible fights and other invisible ones. Sometimes one even fight during his sleep, and the reason? Conflicts! People desiring things, implementing their plans to fulfill their desires, without any consideration who is being crushed in the process. People qualifying the legality of their actions based on how much they desire things to be done simply because they believe in them.

Or maybe they made themselves believe because the desire is so strong so it needs a sort of reasoning before carrying out the action of fulfillment! When a desire kicks into action it must receive approval from the brain first, but the brain creates its own twisted sort of reasoning for the body to quench the desire, most probably because the mind has become a servant for the body and not vice-versa (the way it should be)

I often feel that I am a sentimental fool in a world that has no mercy, but letting go of that sentimental nature has very extreme side-effects and consequences as well, turning me into a merciless beast that looks for the gain, forgetting that maybe the others aren't as bad as they might seem. Extreme believing in people's goodness is definitely wrong, and surrendering to the negative intuitions that occur once your eyes are set on someone you see is also wrong.

Weighing people correctly takes time, but what if time is a luxury you don't have? which choice would you take? Certain conclusions regarding people are flooded all through my brain upon seeing or hearing things they've done or said! Being living among a shallow society I'd say that upon traversing the streets of the Mad City most of those conclusions are not so pretty as white-and-pink ponies, but rather judgments of shallowness and deterioration of intellect, a series of conclusions after conclusions that make the head pound with dozens of images of filth and disgust, till one closes on himself and tries not to interact with such a sleazy herd of wolves out under the moonlight.

I am wrong, and I am right at the same time. No Oxymoron here but a mean of trying to grasp the middle portion of the stick.

Carrying wounds means carrying more weapons. Some weapons are God-given, and other weapons are just rebounds of wickedness and treachery. People hide their loaded guns pointed right at your head within the corridors of their complex desires, your role is to turn on the lights in these corridors in order to be able to get out of them safely without anyone pulling the trigger on you.

There is power in every word you utter, the words that light up those corridors so that things could be much clearer. People are not always that clear so you have to boost your word abilities to understand what every word they say means. Don't be so optimistic about the meanings because Hell is waiting for the masses not the small portion of humans living this life.

God grant us Power to see and foresee, give us the sight of a hawk and the stillness of a crocodile, for we don't wish to become the prey.

What next?

2008-01-15T22:46:00.000+02:00

A Part of me (allow me to talk about myself for a while, instead of talking about my genius plans to save humanity from itself) LOVES recognition, and another part detests it completely. Are you having the same thing?

When listening to and/or reading words of praise, thanks, congratulations for a good job, or any other means of showing care and admiration for myself, I happen to get this funny (peculiar) feeling that I want to run and hide, but at the same time fly up high in the sky with a suit and a tie.. Oh my my my!

Yeah no human being hates to be recognized, yet the part that feels happy once recognition is gained should be asked a direct and blunt question: "So what? What's next?". I mean, you have what you've been seeking, people start telling you how witty or pretty or funny you are, and most probably as a human being you were showing how witty-pretty-funny you are even if you don't mean to exaggerate or show off the attributes of your personality. What happened was that recognition was done, so now what, really!

It is known that people who seek wealth, the whole wealth and nothing but wealth so help me God are partially satisfied when wealth knocks on their door. Now you are as wealthy as you never dreamed to become: what's next? Same concept, different kind of lust.

The answer is: "nothing!" My thirst has been quenched and that's it.

The part in me that is frightened from recognition doesn't want that it seems, apart from the fact that praise increases the ego, and whenever I start to like myself I start to like myself, and the problem with liking myself is that I start to think that I could hardly do mistakes, thus the fact of improvement for a higher cause than the lust of this earthly life has less possibility of arising to the surface.

So I seem to become alert whenever I find myself in favor of gaining praise and recognition, and for honest I like it more when I feel uncomfortable with anyone's nice words about this self inside this temporary body.

and may Allah correct all of out intentions in this temporary life.. Amen

One knows but dares not speak

2008-01-11T22:13:00.000+02:00

Our Messenger Peace and Blessings be Upon him has told us not to speak to people with what they do not understand, or else they might be led astray with our words. An aristocrat can't give a lesson about success in life to a bunch of factory technicians who could barely keep a loaf of bread at their table every night after a tiring10-hour workday, that just doesn't work, because no matter what the Aristocrat views the version of success that those guys can't reach, or at least 99% of them can't reach, simply because there isn't almost one thing in common between them both except that they will die and kneel in front of the Creator for judgment.

And that in itself is a scary thought..

So where is the taqwa? Just a mere thought amidst the mist of life!

Anyway, we are gathered here today to speak about the invisible. Can't recall that I have spoken about the invisible things I feel pushing and pulling on some strings that I didn't know exist inside my own existence, like a magnet it works on a small fragile needle.. the metaphor is proving its authenticity as the magnet could never break a needle, unless someone is clinging to that needle badly and the force of the magnet is extremely strong.. But still i doubt the needle could be broken.

I have a theory of mine that comes from experience as well as from a Hadith about dreams of believers. Part of the Hadith simply states that ".. those among you with the most true tongues are those with the clearest of dreams.."

Dreams are an invisible force working without any sort of human interaction. You just sleep, you let go of every controlling power you have over anything, and your heart is the only controller. Pure hearts have clear dreams, and mostly they are guided in their dreams. Not having dreams at all does NOT mean that you have a mean heart, not at all. In the same manner being a dreamer does not necessarily mean that your heart is the purest of the pure, also not a rule at all, on the contrary dreamers are of all sorts, but those who deep down inside care about God feel the magnet pulling their fragile needles inside, mostly in dreams and sometimes outside them, in the real tangible visible life.. but not all visible.

I sometimes learn about somebody's spirit in a dream before meeting him/her. The spirit has a breath and feel, unlike any other spirit of any other human. It has sort of a print, an odor, and a touch. The touch of spirits together is not like a touch of skin over skin, but it is something close to the warmth of a hug of a certain person. Sometimes, just sometimes I FEEL a person while dreaming, then after a while I meet that person and I know that I have seen him before, or known him before.. then after a while I realize that I've been subjected to his 'spiritual print' if I may say so.

Sounds crazy.. and it feels crazy as well..

If anyone's now thinking that I am out of my mind, on my way to a sanity home, or having a case of schizophrenia then I have nothing to say to you but goodbye, I'll see you in the next life.

Invisible magnetism.. yeah..

Sometimes you follow the force of magnetism just to learn a big lesson that's gonna mark your life. One has to make sure that he records all the prints of magnetism forces pulling his needle into the directions of the "lesson pit", for the sake of not to take the same lesson twice, or else that would be carelessness.

To be honest I dumped my spiritual fingerprint intuition factor in my last lesson and now I know that the lesson is: If you have IT, trust IT. Now I recall the feeling of insects bumping into my existence, the nausea and dizziness of disgust that the insects caused, and the same feeling in real life when meeting certain people.. Trust that! This does not mean that you are a bad person or that the people in front of you are bad people, but simply that there is an invisible force trying to make you alert. That of course is in the case of you knowing quite well what your intentions are. One can't expect the forces that pull him into a whore house to be angelic guiding forces, eh?

But why the hassle and the complexity of all of this? Life is much more simple than that, right?

Wrong!

Life is much more simple when one is able to live peacefully and engage in his internal struggles without the external forces not only affecting the external crust of oneself, but trying all the time to alter the inside, making the internal struggle more and more difficult, altering the things that were once simple and straight-forward. There are Millions of people out there, each with their own hidden things behind their faces, with loads of ideas and intentions swarming inside the flesh of their bodies. If you have a strong nose for invisible guidance USE IT for God's sake, as it is a blessing that comes only from God! If you have a protective shield then you will be mistaken if you don't use it!

Those who deal with just tangible visible things are in a great deal of comfort in a way, but they don't know what they're missing, like that friend of mine who doesn't believe in the concept of "Baraka", the concept of one thousand pounds keeping a family alive for one day, and the same thousand pounds keeping a family alive for a month. The simple concept that means that a decision done with a good intention would bring a lot of good, while the same decision made with another intention may not bring the best of consequences, unlike the former.

Knowledge itself is invisible. Not all knowledge can be taken from a book, not all knowledge could be viewed in a documentary, but some knowledge might just reach you for a reason, home delivery, free of charge, for the sake of your intentions, yet every tangible visible thing in the world could be against that knowledge.

So sometimes one knows, but dares not speak.. or else one could be dubbed a stupid ignorant piece of human flesh.

May Allah guide us all.. Amen

Mankind loses

2007-12-02T14:20:00.000+02:00

Numerous are the times that i meet new people, we all meet new interesting people every now and then. I cannot classify people that simple, because people are like their fingerprints, every person has a unique set of attributes that makes him his own self - be that a man or a woman.

Let's be frank and say that the world is not as sane or as healthy as it is supposed to be. In my own point of view a world is healthy when the individuals who possess a certain talent can be able to utilize it the way that makes them feel that they are achieving something in their lives, like giving the child his playground where he can wander and explore, dig in the sand, lift a rock, and observe closely as the centipede goes about minding its own business.

Some people have "it" and have it strong. What is "It" in the sense I wish to point to? "It" is power at something, power that could be spotted, something that stands out in a crowd. Power to change is what I mean eventually, and those are the leaders in whatever "It" they have. Not necessarily leaders of nations, but leaders in their own environments, like an efficient teacher who loves his job, and his students love the subject because of that teacher, a teacher who is able to speak and be listened to empathically. A person who could purify with one word, and destroy with one word.

I've seen teachers who have "It", they were leaders only if they would become role models of their own. When I love to attend a class for someone to the extent of drawing me closer to the subject he's teaching, it so happens that I get attached to that person and I want to make a sort of difference like the one is inflicting upon me, but once I follow his steps I find myself smoking, always looking for money, looking at other people's possessions, and cursing the circumstances that made me a teacher.

It's a sorry situation alright!

Someone has "It", but the external factors cause a deflection of energy from the real purifying dignifying power, into something hybrid that causes more confusion than there already is. I am not saying that this person or that an innocent pure person, i am just stating a case that we see everyday around us. Like someone who is a great comedian but living a great tragedy that makes his ability inable to see the light. A brilliant chemist who invents a cancer healing forumla but that formula doesn't see the light because certain parties are living off other drugs that don't work. The amazing talent in electronics that was suppressed for the sake of forcing the engineer to become a doctor, simply because the family's prestige states so.

And the examples of the people who have "It" are NUMEROUS, but unfortunately the eggs fall from the basket and are all shattered on the ground. Resources and human power are lost.

I'd be amazed how many geniuses who could be Nobel Prize winners are in Sanitariums.

I can't totally blame circumstances, but I'd be totally unfair if I blame the It'ers themselves, can't blame someone for having a super power, but i can blame the medium that denies him its use.

Unique con men and law-benders are everywhere though, all rocked and heavily loaded.

As I said earlier in my blog: Evil is GOOD.

Prophets were those who could absorb all those unique people and give them the amazing patience to keep on trying to struggle to find themselves the playground and wander off in the horizons of human creativity. The messages the prophets came with fought off all kinds of circumstances possible, to inspire those who have "It" to go out there and prove that God was generous to them by giving them such powers.

But then again, there are people who succeed without a prophet, proving that a human could do a lot of things given patience.

It is a hard concept to absorb, but I can't help but to pay my tributes to those who were butchered by the circumstances just for having "It".

Those people really are a great loss for Mankind.

Cheers

Insights

2007-11-06T15:35:00.000+02:00

Of a way that is long, sunny, clear, but filled with bumps and obstacles. U look back and see what you passed through and as a human u would of course re-visit what you've missed of chances and exits, the exits are a lot and some of them are really pretty, but some of those who have installs some sort of X-ray gadgets to their vehicles could look beyond the exit and try to predict where they lead to.

Can't help but take a pretty exit on the first time though. There is always a first time for everything, and well.. I guess our parents are supposed to prepare us for the first tough colorful exit we take. We can't remain in their protective vehicle all the time, at a certain stage we must leave and experience for ourselves. Now normally - and I've been observing that for quite long now - a parent in my society understands "preparation" in a very shallow materialistic sense, which is to just provide the offspring with all the possible tangible things possible so as not to make him suffer in the future.

The problem is that comes with total neglectance mostly with what is DEEPLY needed for a human being to survive his life on his own. I can have a car and a house and still commit suicide. I can have a gaming platform all my life since i was a child and everything I ask for is granted, but then how does that add to my self-esteem and sense of achievement and leadership, and what does that do to my conscience? It is known that in order to shape a piece of iron you will have to heat it up red hot, and keep knocking knocking knocking..... knocking, till it takes the desired shape. Let us assume that the child is a red hot piece of iron - and that he is given his amazing thirst for gaining knowledge and values - what if you want to engrave a value inside him? A certain fact that you wish for him to take along his way?

Do you say "he is still young, not now!", or "let him live now he's still got a lot to see!".. well I'm afraid that's all complete nonsense and idiocy, guaranteeing the offspring a miserable adult life, without any sense of achievement which is what a human being lives by, and without it his life would be a complete failure. Your engraving of values inside the offspring gives him a meaning to live by. Your engraving of material inside him by making him believe that this is all what's life about (indirectly because you provided nothing beside material) and so he enters the highway without any sort of protection against colorful exits, he could spend a whole lot of 10 years on a losing exit, and hitch the rest of his way, right?

Building on the conscience gives a human the sense that cannot be explained in words, and cannot be comprehended except by those who have it, simple as that! An exit doesn't "seem" good, one might take a few steps in it but retreat sooner than later. A protective gadget is installed called conscience, and specially that conscience with God that makes Him (God) throw His mercy on the human being, showing him things others don't see, and all for the sole purpose of building on the conscience of the human more, in order to reach the end of the road and meet Him with a clear conscience, even if the human doesn't know it.. He is the All Merciful

It could be like a scenario where that human does huge efforts in raising his offspring with a distinct conscience, then God rewards that human by continuing the raising of the offspring Himself once the offspring is on the road on his own. and it sure is one nasty road, and if it wasn't for the All-Seeing All-Hearing one could've ended up in a ditch somewhere cursing the day he took that exit that has all the sweet-looking sweet-smelling things possible.

Alhamdulillah

Chaotic flammable implications

2007-11-01T16:41:00.000+02:00

This post is primarily written not to be understood, but more of a brain flush in an attempt to halt an internal volcanic eruption, and try to reach a peace treaty that would leave everyone contented, if that is ever possible.

Now they say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, that is partially true in some cases when the good intentions are sincerely good, but the Devil won't let them stand tall specially if they are causing a true level of contentedness and satisfaction with oneself which directly relates to one's relationship with God, there must be a black cloud to come over somewhere, now there's the real danger.

The Devil knows mankind and knows what easily moves them, and that is his most common strategy, uses all the objects he could use one after the other, on top of those are ego, instinct, and wealth. Recognition is compiled in the ego package for sure, and it generates a lot of silly yet destructive actions from a human, leading to a picture of possible psychiatric diseases alright.

Feeling wanted by the opposite sex has two blades: recognition together with the social need, and the sexual instinctive need, both are sophisticatedly interleaved in one small feeling or a series of feelings, leading to behaviors that are what a person carrying them out could call 'Good Intentions', while a watcher would most probably give you a massive list of bad inentions to explain those behaviors.

Now let us just stop right here and ask: who should we trust? Our own selves that suggest the good intention? Or the could-be sick nature of the spectator? The answer is known to the few who have a high level of clarity between themselves, or lets say the different selves they possess, or that possesses them.

Didn't I say that this post won't be understood? Well it is not meant to be understood, and if you do understand it then welcome to the world of suffering, you genius!

To Be continued soon..

Random waiting-room banter

2007-09-12T10:05:00.000+02:00

Amazing how one could just spend a few hours thinking about absolutely nothing, and once the mind kicks back in action the preceding moments are discarded as if they never happened, I am in a waiting room right now watching a TV program from Lebanon, a sort of "good morning beautiful life" sort of program, in which nothing is bad in this world, and everybody is healthy, beautiful, and rich, and life is all to be enjoyed to the maximum, switching from "Yo Lebanese people living abroad we are proud of you and your achievements but we wish you could come back home one day to this Beautiful home of yours", to the "beautiful month of September - and it is September 11th btw today - that means good starts and good endings" (!), then to the fashion designer interview talking about how his new collection is inspired by the Roman period, showing the beauty of the woman to then end of that nonsense.

With all do respect to the Lebanese people, I was about to faint, from the looks of the fashion designer - male btw - to the talk the two plastic artificial interviewees gave him, starting from a "are you a fashion designer or a body builder?" compliment, to the talk about how the Roman style of clothing is more beautiful than this beautiful month of September and the flowers and the birds and all that beautiful beauty of a beautiful sweet talk. I was thinking that maybe flowers and colorful birds will start to emerge from the mouths of the people talking! Add to that the heavy Lebanese accent in the Arabic that adds a flavor of sweetness to every word said, Gosh I felt pretty just listening to them talk.

Now the Egyptian guys around got tired of being teased by the artificial hot-ness of the hostesses - which they didn't mind one bit - but when they saw the fashion designer and felt the conversation was taking the women's magazine's turn, someone fetched a remote and they all agreed that this is enough we have to watch something else before we suffer from a high-end heart disease that could make us all place a flower in our hair and start stopping by lady-clothing shops admiring how the beautiful silk'n'satan shows the beautiful curves of a woman's waste (pun intended).

Yeah i wanna feel sarcastic today.

Anyways, I wasn't thinking at all before this program starts, and I felt that a blank moment of mind-silence kicked in, leaving a gap of time between it and the last time my mind was actually working, which was yesterday actually, while talking to someone about relationships and what happens into them, specially when they take the "engagement" phase, and I can't tell you the number of ideas and calculations that kept rolling into my head, together with references to examples I see around me everyday, I think I might be right in most of my ideas, but then again I could be wrong, and my ideas are nothing more than my ideas, hunches, thoughts and feelings are how they are formed, with a little spice of experience that might make them worthwhile.

My fiancee and I went on talking about the same thing yesterday as well, and the most influential part of it was how the cliches of Egyptian life affect the relationships big time, and she corrected me actually on a couple of ideas - or lets say judgments - I had about women who would like to marry a rich husband, but lets talk about that later. From the most annoying and ridiculous cliches the Egyptian guy does while being engaged is the following:

- Once he gets engaged no one sees him and he never answers his mobile specially if the number calling is not listed.
- He is constantly complaining and calling marriage some sort of a "cage" or "prison" or something.
- Absolutely no one sees his fiancee no matter what the reasons are, and if he accidentally runs into someone he knows while out in the mall with her, he becomes brief and keeps eliminating any chances of the friend to greet her (!), doesn't introduce her and doesn't expect his friend to introduce his fiancee (!)
- If his friends are blessed by his presence on an outing, there MUST be a moment when he receives a call, answers looking embarrassed, retreats to a corner and talks as if he is talking to his father after wrecking his (father's) car (!)

This is all for engaged guys, haven't started on the married ones yet, but lets just not let you all down and discourage you from the idea of marriage, but anyways there seems to be a HUGE misunderstanding of what an engagement is and what marriage looks like in the real world, don't know what the source of that is! Maybe it comes from improper raising that comes from a misunderstanding of the priorities of life initially, maybe it also came from cultural matters that people got used to after years and years of living without values that have solid references, values that emerged through the years encouraged by psychological drives of the society at certain times or during certain crises.

But I am absolutely sure that a good portion of that misunderstanding was generated by the same inexperiences mis-guided minds that generated the law "If your friend in high-school is in a fight then you have to fight with him even if you get beaten to death" and "ignore the chick she loves you, love the chick she ignores you", such laws that were followed as if they are a divine revelation, and the same people who follow them are ecstatic about it simply because they were able to generate an idea, follow it, and find that it works (simply because everybody follows it). Well that could be called "the culture of a generation", and my generation to tell you the truth is totally messed up, my generation wasn't guided correctly, and it efficiently practiced that misguidance to a great extent, in addition to the influence(s) that strike on the sensitive joints all the time, the result is a huge misunderstanding of what life means, what its priorities are, and eventually what should be DONE in life.

Rich or not rich, and Egyptian male has either or al of the attributes: worthless amoral irresponsible lost whiner, except those who've had great huge collossal efforts done at home to bring them up otherwise. The mis-interpretation of the Male's responsibilities at home made those who raise him think that he is the king of queens, the supreme ruler, so he should be given everything even if he doesn't ask for it, which made him feel that everything WILL come effortlessly, from the toys, to the bicycle, to education, to the car, to the job, to the money, to the wife. So for the Egyptian male, instead of occupying the mind with the responsibilities, the mind is generating and living the mis-guided generation's culture, simply because the mind could afford wandering this empty road, filling it up with whatever, and totally missing out on the responsibility part of it. Once a responsibility is carried it feels so heavy after YEARS of carrying nothing. Currently, the girls are able to carry much more than the guys, society it having a facelift, a shape-shift, and the roles are switching to a great extent.

But then again, NOT ALL, there are a lot of good examples out there, but they are witnesses upon the bad examples on the day of judgment, you saw a good example so you have no excuse to follow the rest of the herd, eh?

Have a beautiful Roman day!

The Egg or the Chicken?

2007-08-15T16:34:00.000+03:00

It has been quite a while since I wrote in here.. well it's been a since I wrote anything at all. All the things in my head remained in my head, some of them erased through the everyday life while others are lurking there waiting for an opportunity to get across the realm of the words to the realm of the Actions, some of them English and others Arabic. Some of them stories while others are just thoughts that need to be conveyed and properly represented.

Well this part of my world is more concerned about ideas more than stories to tell you the truth, and I've come to a conclusion that a person MUST do something creative in his life or else the brain gives out an 'idle' signal to the rest of the body, creating the feeling of unrest and frustration, that could cause either of two things. - maybe more than two but I'm not here to count, just to propose ideas - It could cause immense potential to move the cheese and do something about this state of "brain idleness", or it could cause a far more severe case of idleness, that you could call an intentional loser's way of life.

From where do those ideas come from? From observations mainly, and some knowledge of the human self according to the words of Him who created the human self. When a human feels ineffective inside his small community (the people in direct contact with him), and when he feels like he's adding nothing to anything or anyone, and when he doesn't know what he's good at, and when he knows what he's good at but feels depreciated, when he feels like a worthless creature, only then you can pretty much expect an idle person, or someone who is living a loser's way of life intentionally, as if punishing the whole society for his own worthlessness.

Is he mistaken? or is the whole society mistaken? or could we be more fair and say that its a middle road between this and that? I think sociologists would have more accurate findings than those mere observations of mine, but that doesn't mean that I should shut the brain down and say that I'm not a sociologist and eventually not the right person to observe and talk about my observations, or else I'd be totally unjust to my own humanity.

God created our senses with our brains to control them for a reason, and that reason is for sure not for us to shut them all down no matter what the reason is. Shutting them down would be nothing more than deception, deception to the fact that you are human in the first place, and right here is a reminder for the reader, who could very much be the future me. Actually this is why I'm writing this down, for the future me, so read and know yourself! When you think you are a person with his own unique print marking who you are. When you don't then you are just another complex sophisticated almost-perfect piece of idle meat. Period.

Now who is wrong for making me not think? Can I blame anyone but myself for making me a loser?

Maybe for a certain extent, but that won't pass 30% by any means.

All words but when it comes to actions, wither a real man emerges, or just another one of 'them'.

And I assure you, after death the last thing you wanna be is one of 'them'. 'Them' are everywhere, more than the particles in the air, and much more than those who are not them.

Just a thought.

Judgmental common sense

2007-05-27T11:33:00.000+03:00

Ever heard anyone say: 'what is common sense to you is not necessarily common sense to someone else'?

Is it true? I think it for sure is! Imagine yourself living among a tribe of Aztecs.. Or lets not just go that far, let us assume that you are among a tribe in the Algerian desert. How many mistakes - in their eyes - do you think you will make once you sit down for lunch with a bunch of them? Starting from the stupid insane illogical way you sit, till the way you handle the food. All off-course to them, and all common sense for you.

Is it the human nature to simply and non-voluntarily go to the extent of refusing the differences between us for the sole reason of 'we haven't seen that before', or 'we were never used to that before', and after all that we call ourselves 'open-minded'. Oh yes we are, but only when it comes to our desires, eh?

The idea 'maybe this is better than what I'm used to' can be admitted by a few, a blessed few individuals, this mere thought is what makes great helpful people among societies. Those ARE the ones who can help themselves become better all the time by pointing out what is good outside themselves and what is not good inside. Those who look beyond their blinding ego.

From the Islamic point of view: those who stop worshiping themselves, and start giving for the sake of Allah. Those who believe that Allah is where all good comes from, and He is the destination of all good.

Can we open our eyes and minds then? I bet we can.

Evil is Good

2007-05-15T14:45:00.000+03:00

Evil is good..

The two ancient sides of the coin, the oldest battle in history, the one that started when Adam took his first breath of heavenly air: evil vs good, light versus darkness, honesty versus deception, its a never-ending battle indeed.

So what else is new, eh?

Here i am right now fighting some evil inside myself, that is disguised as pure logical goodness, the kind that has no spelling mistakes, but once u take your time and give it's logic more thought and compare it to the set of references u have, u can find that it's logic is TOTALLY out of context with logic and what your principles suggest, thus opening a door for sheer snarling evil right up your face.

Now this is exactly the way evil works.. It tells you things you once thought were true, and it lets you cling on to them as if they are your own honor, evil knows that those thoughts and ideas - later on rules that are unchangeable - are wrong, this is why you don't think much while adhering to them. Later on you start preaching them and people believe you the same way you believed yourself, and evil rules the minds of men for decent amount of time by then.

Evil does a huge effort to spread, it searches for your points of weakness and keeps on striking there repetitively till resistance is zero, till the force field wears down, but never completely disappears, there still is always a chance for another fight. Also evil efficiently uses the chances it gets: the moments of your weakness, when u are down, depressed, lonely, day-dreaming a lot about things that cannot come, aimless, desperate, broken.. etc, till the end of the list.

The amazing fact is that goodness should take that same path, if it wants to spread the same way as evil spreads. Goodness must be smart enough to foresee the attacks of evil and prepare to fill up the holes that evil uses. Goodness MUST outsmart evil. But the other amazing fact is that one opens the door to evil and so evil enters just like that! But thats not the case with goodness. With goodness the door gets opened for you and you must get up and pull goodness in! That's the case most of the time, but from the mercy of God is that life-changers open the door and come in all by themselves, but you got to do the effort to keep them in, and maintain the defensive holes closed in the face of evil.

I look around and see that goodness has no means to outsmart a pigeon, no power to bring up a forcefield, and no means to give itself a way into the hearts of masses!

Evil today.. Is really good

A Dam of thoughts

2007-04-10T15:19:00.000+02:00

Why do we so much let the devil mess with our behavior?

Why do we allow our stupidity get in the way to our success, and get in the way to the things we want the most?

Do our deeds mark who we are now and what we could and what we could not deserve?

Is good so far away from being with us and for us?

It is a fierce fight alright, a battle of the two classic sides of an inequality. The inequality is an inequality and not and equation, simply because both sides are not the same. At one side is good and the other side is not good, so how can you say it is an equation?

It is so very true that our minds work the most at the moment of crisis. And at the same time, once your brain is working maximum power, it is so easy to pour a small bottle of ink at the output of the turbine, to alter the color of water coming out. Yeah the brain is like a Dam, holding up a lot of water behind it. The more the brain works, the turbines inside rotate to let the water out, emitting a great amount of energy in the process, lighting up your world.

Now evil does like that and does not like that at the same time. If there is a backdoor for evil to get in there and sabotage your dam, either by pouring some ink into the water, or by turning the bulbs that light because of the energy into black bulbs, or red, or blue, or even green, but never white!

This is the Dam, ie: the brain.

What does the chest do then? What does the heart do? Where does it play part in this process?

Well the heart either grants or seals the backdoors of evil!

Yeah, and Allah says that He can control hearts pretty well, or in other words, He is the ONLY controller of the heart.

So when you are facing a problem with your heart, and you find yourself surrendering to what you want and not what you need, then someone poured a bottle of ink in the water inside the body of the dam, or maybe took care of a bulb or two, altering the color of the light, that shows you your way into the night.

I don’t want to cause anyone any harm, and there is a thin line between being a man of honor, and an animal, ie: a man that knows nothing but the things that he knows, and does nothing but the things he feels like doing. Who wants to move his butt and help someone out with no return, huh? But still a huge number of people do that! Those are people of honor, people who are alive. The dams of those people have the turbines working full speed, lighting up cities in bright white light indeed! Having maximum support from the heart that God gave way to, God gave way for their hearts to seal shut all backdoors in the face of evil.

Evil is not that visible you know! Evil does not look like evil if you know what I mean, or else you wouldn’t have given it way in the first place.

Evil is so cunning and it uses the backdoors all the time. Take really good care my brother not to fall into a pit of your own stupidity. Once you start thinking about just enhancing your instinctual needs and neglecting other things then you have given way to evil, a backdoor is opened alright, so you’d better shut up, because the water coming out of you might not be totally drinkable, and the electricity flowing in your brain is helping in lighting up several red and black bulbs here and there, scattered to give your brain a pattern that looks more like the back of a lady bug.

You want to realize who you are and how you are thinking? Record a video of yourself talking and review it several times. You will realize that you are nothing more than an idiot and that there are a lot more people out there who talk better than you, look better than you, and by far think a lot better than you. Just watch yourself and tell me that you like what you see. I bet you won’t, because inside yourself you are your best boaster. Outside yourself you get to see your own flaws, and once you don’t like it you either take the choice of correcting them, or you bury the video camera forever.

The latter my friend, is your shortest path to hell!

Oh how I wish I could find out where this huge video cam cemetery is, I’d make a fortune. So please if you ever bury your video camera, tell me beforehand, because I know someone who can make use of it.

Profound Sanity

2007-03-22T15:21:00.000+02:00

Dreams, are nowadays randomly filled with random people, like my brain is being shuffled constantly in order for the most important things to settle in the bottom, and the less important to come on top, then the less important, and so forth, till i find the heavy rocks in the bottom, the things that are closest to my heart, and those might include the people who are closest to my heart and my attempts to make them happy, and furthermore try to understand them more, for not to fall in the mistake of trying to make them happy the way I want them to be happy, but rather the way THEY want to feel happy..

And then again, it is clear that life is just about the pursuit of happiness, because happiness can be found in various ways, and loads and loads of forms, but what is more important is only realized by the minority of people, and it can rarely be controlled by the individual, it is a blessing from God that is. As people try all the time to follow what their instinct tells them to achieve happiness all they do is just attempt to enjoy the physical things, thinking that those are what bring happiness to the heart, which is totally wrong, although partially right, to most people. When you find a really poor individual when it comes to currency, and compare his heart with someone who is really rich, you CAN (not necessarily) find a happy poor heart versus a rich restless one.

Well, this is what most of the people say, right? But do they really BELIEVE so? I know that - according to my messenger PBUH - "Belief is what rests in the heart and is believed by the deeds" (poor translation, so please correct me if i'm wrong), so is it just a slogan we all raise to cover up for our dissatisfaction with what God has given us in the physical sense? Is it something we say and do? How do we know? Let me tell you how! When someone comes to you with a chance of a gain that does not completely satisfy God (although you believe that happiness comes from God only) and you do it, in an attempt to pursue happiness, then afterwards you find out that it only brought you a few miles away from happiness, maybe because you said something you don't completely believe in?

Maybe..

And the concept of happiness in itself cannot have a definition! What contents me is not necessarily what contents some other person, that is because people are different AND hearts are different. Some hearts can only be satisfied with things that are much bigger in magnitude than other hearts, while other hearts can be contented with just the feeling of content, without any change going on in the physical world. But let me just whisper something into your ears, God created us that way, in order to complete each other, for some people to work towards creating HUGE corporations, in order for those who are contented with routine work to seek their happiness, and for those who are only contented with creative ideas to find something to do with their lives, and for those who have the ability to lead people toward and idea to be able to, seeking what makes them happy.

Happy, eh?

Imagine if all of those are living with God, knowing that he is watching their work, needing nothing from them but to seek his satisfaction with the good job they are doing managing this earth, and trying to lead those who fall from the path of righteousness onto the correct path again, using the different resources given by God, like intelligence, wisdom, and example. That is a Utopian insight alright, but for certain times it was partially implemented, when the True word of God was the major source of happiness into the hearts of men. And only then the earth will cease to be a damned place..

Now, how content are you with what you have? and furthermore.. do you have any idea what you have? Do you know what sort of things God has given you, or are you just picking the cotton and throwing it in the burning hell like everybody else?

Are you even awake?

...

How Many Questions?

2007-03-11T22:05:00.000+02:00

Allow me to make this blog's title the same as a new Egyptian song, that goes by the same name, and the song goes :

How many Questions, do we ask each other?
About what was, what is going, and what is comming..
And it is so hard for the answer to satisfy us
And if it sounds wierd, we say How?
...
It is not easy, to find someone to comfort you
And if he loves you, it is possible that he may hurt you
When he tries once to bring you joy
He satisfies your dream with words that can hurt you tomorrow

Then the Music goes on, Rocket - someone i used to know way back - is the composer of this song, his head is so rock oriented so the music is so good, and conveys the words pretty much okay if you'd ask me..

So, what was? what is going? and what is comming?

You sure you wanna know?.. Okay, there were mistakes, there are some efforts to try and put things right, and there is hope.. that sort of sums it all up, doesn't it? And the guy didn't lie when he said that there are very few answers that could satisfy us.. but why? Because few people do ask themselves that question, right? Why am I not satisfied with the answer? Maybe because I am searching for one particular answer and I don't want any other one.. Maybe because I do not accept answers that open up a new domain I didn't see earlier? Maybe because I love myself and my own perception of the world more than the world itself, so anything that doesn't fit the view of my own window is not part of the real world.. eh?

Hmm.. Thanks Mohamed Adaweya for this song, it made me think alot about those three magical domains (and three is a magical number in itself but that's another story).. Those three domains have been always an huge issue in philosophy.. and there is a pretty good Divine philosophy to deal with those three domains of our life, ones that we CANNOT escape.. The Past, the Present, and the Future.. and perceptions vary but let us try to have some comfort right here and now..

The Past:

IS what was, and will never come back, leaving a unique fingerprint of events that will never return that same way, and will never change. A human being usually thinks about the past as "things that have been done", by the human or by another human to the human who is concerned. The thing is that the past is already done, and it will not change. People who live in the past are like trapping themselves between two mirrors facing each other, they look ahead of them to see their own behind, locked in a loop that will end in madness most probably. And the Cure here is repentance, and forgiveness.

The Present:

IS what determines what is comming, and is the most complex of the three, because it is THE responsibility. In the present you plan, you do, you get feedback of what has been done in he Past. In the present once you do, what is done is in the past already, held up in the wallet of time and is inaccessible except by three things,"I did good!", "I could've done better", or by "WHY DIDN'T I DO BETTER?", what's the difference? Well one of the opens the door to the devil for sure, which is the latter.. the Middle seems calm, right? sounds like repentance? Will it was intended to be that way! The Present is the gateway for the future in which today will be the past that cannot be changed, so how about complexity? Plan, just plan carefully and don't ever regret what you have done in good intentions, unless you made a mistake, and admit it once done, just for the sake of the future if you care about it, and for the sake of God if you believe in Him.

The Future:

IS the simplest thing to throw in the toilet! Why? because we are burdened with the load of the past on our shoulders, and suffering from the past in the present, so we couldn't just have the luxury of looking ahead into the future, because we need, our bodies need so we need to need, in speed, so the future is tonight, next morning, or next month maximum. So the Future goes down the drain in the toilet, no prospect, no vision. The Present marks the future, and the term "Its now or never" comes to my mind all the time.

Patience:

IS the superglue that ties all the above three together to form one worthy unit called "Life". It is what makes the past less painful as the mistakes in the past are being suffered less in the present time because the vision of the future must be reached, in patience and awareness, if you hurry the future it will be so easy for the rest of the small units to affect you, because you will be thinking in small units not in huge resolve-able units. Kind of like the story of the old miller who gathered his sons around him and in the end taught them to be united. Quite the same if you'd ask me. If your deeds and your time in this life are all united onto one main target, then the Past, and the Present will least affect it, making a much better Future..

So Help us God!

Dreams.. the plural of dream

2007-03-05T15:19:00.000+02:00

Whenever one of us thinks that he is aiming towards something, and working for acquiring or getting something out of life, we call it a goal, or a purpose in life, and reasonably emotional people could call it a dream. Someone has a dream in his life, and that means that it utilizes the person having it almost completely, that is if the obstacles that appear on the way towards fulfilling that dream do not act much as someone to blind the person from his main target, or the Dream as we would prefer to call it.

Then, there is another kind of Dream, that is the one we have while sleeping, containing sometimes random things that keep us entertained in our sleep, or while we are awake when we remember them. Sometimes it happens that a dream wakes you up in a very unusual manner, showing you something you have never seen before.. something you wish to have, or something your mind generated out of your life, to insert into your life, to convert it into something from the previous type of dreams I just mentioned there.. There is a relation for sure, and only wise men have a blend of the latter embedded inside the former.

Not a long post but when it comes to dreams, I can't do nothing more than stare in the horizon, and allow the clouds to take me higher..

Freedom of Choice? Umm.. maybe!

2007-02-15T11:06:00.000+02:00

So,

Freedom of choice is a gum in everybody's mouth now, people just talking about it without pretty much making any use of it. As a matter of fact, we don't 100% live by that concept because there are things that we do not much have the choice in, and those things cannot be named or placed under a certain category, because everything has both concepts embedded into them and let's think about it together.

You come to choose things you do, given the things that happen to you. You don't choose the things that happen to you most of the time, but you choose what to do all the time. Also, you don't choose what you feel most of the time, but you choose what to do about how you feel all of the time. From that point we could begine to conclude some things based on preconcieved prinicpals, and from those very important pricipals is the rule that states "Nothing happens by chance, and there is a divine plan in everything happening".. Here I ask 'Happening to who?', and answer 'To you or to anyone else, and comes to your knowlege'.

So the things that happen to you and you did not choose, happened to you for a reason, same as to the kind of knowlege you gain, or things that come to your knowlege, same also with the things you feel. All of the things stated here happen for a reason. So when those things happen, best thing is to just stop doing any actions (not recommended in a selected number of situations) and just try to think clearly and honestly, why do you think that happened to you (and it depends on what you expect from God), and then what are you going to do about it?

People with faith, will always say that everything happening to us is in our best interest, and they try to practice it, but practicing it is one of the toughest things to acquire in this life. And that motto does not work with alot of people, but it doesn't mean we should stop thinking that way. How do you know if you really do practice it or not? When you ask for it you know you will get it, simply because you cared enough to ask for it, whilst knowing that this is the way we should be living, in total confidence in God and His plans for us.

But what about when you feel hurt about it? When you have doubts that this is the best choice for you (You think so as a life practice and as a faith), what do you do? I mean you want something so bad but it doesn't go as you wished, and you feel bad about it, but your faith still reminds you that whatever happens is for your best interest, remeber when so and so happened? What were you thinking back then and what are you thinking now? So it clears up a little bit, but still the pain is there, it is still fresh in your heart, and you feel hurt for departing a certain wish, this is what it is, you don't feel bad for departing a job opportuniy, or a car, or a person, but you depart an image of happiness you created in your head, and this is what hurts you not anything else.

This feeling is inevitable, for some people it remains for no more than the hour of knowlege that this thing is not your cup of tea, and for others it changes their lives, most of the time to the worse not to the better, and most people with Faith call this thing "Lack of faith". What to do to shorten the lifetime of this feeling? Ask for it, from Him who controls the hearts, and Him who made your heart fall for this issue in the first place. Just know that nothing comes in an overnight, if you believe then you will have patience till your heart is okay with whatever happens, and once you really feel that, you will get your heart upgrade to the next version, to alter you vision and reflect more about what happens to you and to others, to learn the maximum from everything and everyone around you.

This is nothing but a mere effort to remind myself before anyone else.

Everything happening to us has a reason, and it happens for our best interest.
Cheers

Glittering Lonesome

2007-02-07T14:17:00.000+02:00

As a matter of fact the different realizations that arrive at this brain of mine, keeps me alive, and when a day passes by without realizing anything new, it adds more to my complexity and my realization that not everydayone leanrs something new, but at the same time this is something to be learned by itself, this is new, maybe someone else saw it before, or learned that before.. and the problem is, this as a fact contradicts itself big time.. yeah..

Now let's get serious.. Who are you and what are you doing here? Have you ever has one of those moments? When you feel somewhere between dizzy and high, just suddenly as if u have just been fighting with a tiger, then suddenly you ask "What am I doing in here? Where am I going? and where do I wana go?".. The most important questions in life right there, and rarely asked, why? because the rabies of life has you, the insane strugle for whatever one desires brings about a fever that is so hard to resist, and to the moment there is no anti-dote for it but religion..

Here at this point you will come to ask and object, debate and argue, simply because you don't know, lack of knowlege, that is if you argue at all. One team will say yes and this is all worthless work, running behind money and position, power and possession, this is not where we should be, and this is not what we are supposed to do in this life.

Another team will say no, Religion is something and life is another thing, mixing them both is a huge mistake that will only result is a tide that goes against development, this way you are tieing yourself to the past and to the image of "a simple garment, a slipper, and an empty room" (you will have to ask me about an explanation for the previous expression,, lol)..

Now, both of those teams cannot be more wrong, and actually they are only doing a crime against humanity.. They both say that they believe in God alright, but they do not realize the attributes that they are assigning to God..

The first team, that calls for the cancellation of Banks, and women going to work, and no TV in at home, together with the second team who divide life into "life" and "religion" are all simply stating that God does not agree with development, and does not want development, and the current sceintific discoveris (which are because of what God created in this universe to be discovered) happened because humans wanted that to happen.. and God had absolutely nothing to do with them.. He only wants people to remain in worship houses all the time, wearing a simple carment, being so humble and eating only fruits, vegetables, or meat.. just worshipping in the standard way we all know of, praying, praying, nd praying, wanting nothing out of this life to reach heaven..

Hmmm.. is that it? Is this what God wants from us in order to reach heaven? I'll be damned if that is it, because the world is out there for a reason, and this reason is to test us, and in order to take a test you have to take a test, lol, simple as that, you don't give your back to thecurriculum and take what keeps you on your knees all day, peaceful and weak, afraid to do anything or else you will be tempted and fall in Hell.. this is the weaks' choice and this is NOT what God wants his servants to be.. God is about strength and he wants us to become so.. he wants us to enlighten the world not become parasites living there with no use..

Currently, we are of no use.. Search this site for "Egypt" and tell me what you see..

Me? I have a plan.. but don't ask me what it is now, it's a huge secret, and i'll die before telling it to anyone.. or before it is implemented..

Cheers

A Barrel of a whole society

2007-01-22T14:45:00.000+02:00

As i get closer to the ppl of my community and my class, same education and level of intellect, i get a picture, or a metaphor, of a barrel that looks fully stacked from the outside, looking really heavy, but in reality it is just an empty barrel with a tightly closed lid, and maybe there is a fierce bloody hound guarding thr lid. So that noone can open it to have a look inside, and see how empty it really is.

Now, u r desiring things, and working for them, and it does not have Anything to do with what the inside of the barrel suggests, in other words: as if u r rest assured that the barrel is completely filled and closed, so u have nothing left to do but decorate the outside of the barrel, adding ur colourful touch to it according to what u desire, and to what u see worth placing on the crust of the barrel.

But that anomaly naturally leads to another anomaly, visible only to the people who do not want to add any decorations to the barrel, but they wanna open it and fill it up, they can really see how the barrel now looks like a clown, coz people added their touch, the one they see good enough for themselves, but has nothing to do with what the others add.

Pathetic!

An Apple among the Vegetables

2006-12-21T12:37:00.000+02:00

Being an apple among a basket of vegetables is not a very easy thing to be, and though decisions that you take while among vegetables will mostly be affected by vegetables, coz those ARE vegetables while u'r a fruit, know what i'm saying?

What makes one stand out from among a crowd is not what university he is in, or how much he earns, or how cool he looks or how much stuff he owns, what makes one stand form among the crowd is how much he sacrifices from his personal comfort in order to make it better.. IT here is, alot of things and are taken one at a time...

Arrasul PBUH advised us that when we pray for something.. we start by alhamdulillah, then al-salatu wal salam 'ala rasul Allah, then pray for OURSELVES.. the self that is inside YOUR own body, then AFTER that u pray for whoever you want to pray to.. this just points out to the natural procession of things, you start with yourself.. you want everyone to be an apple like yourself, you BE an apple first, then start to tell people how nice it is to be an apple..

and again, it takes effort, it is not so easy to resist different temptations and being sucked into the different dsires of this life, but taking this life a preparatory stage for a final exam is what makes you STONGER that it.. if I care less then it doesn't really make alot of difference to me, so i won't be bending the rules and using people for this life's worthless desires..

So if you sacrifice your comfort and start TRYING to relaly understand what you are studying, caring less about what the other vegetables say, then you are guaranteed to have a bright future.. if you have the intention of gaining the most form this life and learning from EVERYONE no matter who he is in order to help you make this world a better place and eventually have a much much much better afterlife, the go for it.. and success will your guardian.. may Allah guard us all

Cheers

Logic that needs no science

2006-11-24T03:11:00.000+02:00

What bothers a simple "Humane" human being is that somehow most the so-called 'secular' efforts done to increase the standard of living of the world that has donkey carts on the road alongside a 2006 Mercedes Benz S-Class have tremendously failed, which leads us to think of injustice of wealth distribution which brings us to a totally different field of thought.. reasons..

Well reasons are numerous when we get into the details, but when outlooking the map of human reasoning we cannot find but one reason to let man do injustice to his fellow human regarding wealth, this one reason is greed. Now Humans HAVE made laws to be able to capture, judge, and punish those who take what is not their legal and legitimate right from the wealth of others.. After a quick glance around, it's not pretty much working!

Normal uncontrolled human behaviour tends to seek benefit, some are trimmed according to the moral and ethical upbringing that allows them to revise the legitimacy of what they are doing in accordance to a certain benchmark and a certain standard.. Religion has clearly done that, and it is visible in alot of communities world-wide..

But, still a big but in here.. the ethical standard is falling off, morales are going down the drain, last time i checked it was "Never trust strangers!", and "My neighbour turned me in!", or even "My brother has sued me!".. am I right? Well can you call any non-ethical as someone who is watching God in every step? If one knows that there is a God out there watching when the manager is not watching, the cop is not watching, the landlord is not watching, the girl-nexdoor's father is not watching.. If the Respect, the Love, and the fear of God doesn't stop you then Nothing is gonna stop you from doing what you think is good FOR your benefit..

A Random System of Selfishness

2006-11-06T03:33:00.000+02:00

If a system of Random events can be called a system, then what exactly is a system?

And if there is a system in everything, then why did the word Random occur?

People say - and I agree with them - that everything goes according to a plan, every single small event that takes place is planned and nothing happens in vain, nothing is worthless and ineffective. The leaf that falls infront of you as you step into the street has a reason, for who or for what? Only God knows! Maybe it is an attempt to remind you of the Creator as you start off your day, or maybe it is just the time for this leaf to fall off and make way to another leaf, thus maintaining health to that tree, and you are just thinking about everything in terms of yourself!

A Human being is aware of his own life, he is himself's best friend and he is actually himself, so he cannot help but think about his own self and what it needs in order to have more success. Some cultures teach you that for a great success, great efforts have to be made.. and other cultures teach you that there is nothing called success, as it is all planned from before so whatever you do won't change who you will become..

A combination of both cultures is a must. When one thinks too much in terms of material reasoning he starts to work like a machine, he tends to forget the concept of reflecting upon every small detail of the events going throughout his life, taking down the level of belief in a perfect system and thus the idea of Randomness is not very far from his analytical thinking routines. Also when a human thinks too much in terms of "nothing can be changed as it is all pre-planned" he starts to resent the materialistic reasoning that conveys the spirit of randomness among its beliefs, thus leaving it all as a whole lot and sticking to the "waiting to my fate whatever it is" analogy, which ends up in zero workforce, and a total sympathetic failure.

The middle lane is always the best one, and is actually what everyone thinks they know so well that they seldom talk about it. You can tell stories about extreme cases as long as you want and people will listen to you forever, but once you reach the conclusion of "moderation" people will start turning in their chairs, completing your sentences with random sounds as if they know what you are talking about like the back of their hands, while they might have never experienced it.

All of this talk is about X, and X changes with time, as change is the only constant, like a pendulum, sometimes far to the East, others far to the West, but in the end it stabilizes in the middle to reach a level of equilibrium. This is the mercy of God, He created a system that reaches equilibrium in the end, so nothing happens Randomly, it is only for the selfishness of Mankind to think that everything happens for HIS own sake, so things that don't happen for his benefit are labeled Random and ineffective, while they might be of great benefit to any other creature, and to him in the end, but man is just too ignorant to realize that.

Hope I made a point,,

Something Strange

2006-10-31T02:36:00.000+02:00

I shall not blurb alot about deep things inside the epical heat of my dreams.. or maybe I will..

Strange thing, the amount of dreams is increasing alot, per night,to the extent of waking up exhausted in my bed. I even dreamt about complaining from the amount of dreams I have, and the problem is that I remember them all, sometimes I even mix between realithy and dreams. Hmm.. a sign of potential madness I suppose.

Anyway if I'm meant to be a mad man in a mental house then so be it, I have no problems with that, I will lead a hppy life in the Assylum leading the role of Nero the one who burnt Rome, but this time it won't be Rome, it will be the image of a society so corrupt, and so hopeless that burning it is the only solution.. A Volcano erupts and leaves behind a very fertile soil so that life could begin once more atop what was before burning Lava..

Not so much in the sentimental mood as it is obvious that this mood might no more occur.. A SnowBlade in hand mounting a washing machines, the modern-life Don Cichote, fighting the idols who idolize other idols, that is if the word "Idolize" is in the Dictionary.. Yeah one needs to sort out the amount of messages he gets, try to figure out which are more important than others.. Any ideas how to so that?

I have a few, but not now, I'm on Vacation..

A Chill in the Air

2006-10-27T03:49:00.000+02:00

Hmm.. So, how's it been?

It's been good thanks to the One who created the Heavens.

There is not much to think about, as by time the issues that were so numerous one day become two, three, or maybe four huge issues that have all the previously numerous yet smaller issues hidden behind them, like stages, fix the big ones first to get the small ones resolved.

Human conflicts remain a problem ofcourse, the infinite struggle between generation and noone is able to comprehend or understand anything but what is in hid head, based on his own experience, thinking that this is everything in the world and wanting YOU to follow it or else you will be doomed.

It also points out to Me, how I should be viewing and always re-checking my own opinions who have a really good chance of being all wrong, maybe that's why i've been so inable to take a positive step towards anyhting for the time being, just waiting for something to happen, but I know nothing will happen because nothing is changing inside of me.. A change should mean a change in behaviours, certain behaviours that when improved, things certainly will start to happen, only to face a few other behaviours to improve, and so forth to get from one stage to the next.. well that's one of the ways I do think about life..

Other Philosophies would be the Philosophy of life being a series of choices, and each choice gives oyu points, and to get from one stage to the next you have your points to evaluate, you cannot get to a certain stage unless you have a certain amountof points, choices determine the stage you are at, just like your deeds determine your place after you die..

There are tests alright, and so far I can't quite say that I have succeeded in many of them, but I try and God knows I try.. But when one questions his intentions this is when the moment that shifts life from a veiwpoint to another really well, I mean once your intention is changed, your whole life changes, and the stages you take are completely different than the ones you would've gone through if your intention was something else.. a conclusion that looks me in the face right now.. and needs more time for reflection.. I just hope I'm not wasting my time..

Am I making it too complex? Or is it really worth it?

I can't control it!

An art, or just a normal thing?

2006-10-04T06:01:00.000+02:00

Questions, that continue forever..

We all discover our own set of questions as we go on with our lives.. piece by piece a face is revealed just like a puzzle being formed, you search to put the right piece in the right place, until you can see the whole picture. Symbols are inevitable, those who cannot symbolize and relate according to examples, to be able to express how they feel, and to be able to actually feel something in particular and put their hands on what could make everything better.. those need help..

I am not trying to express something I am experiencing in particular right now, nor I am trying to complain from something, nor to whine though at times I feel like I am.. but all I'm trying to find is the other half of the scarrab.. I feel that the quest can continue for a long time, and if it does or if it doesn't then I don't care, as long as it doesn't involve the "idle" state of waiting and doing absolutely nothing. We were created in this world to work and move towards what we need, so that's what I'm trying to do.. but some pieces of the puzzle are still missing alright!

Is it just a phase, will it be remembered for the rest of my life? Or will there come a day when I would look back at all this and say "What the heck was he thinking?".. I don't really know, but it is a moment that I am living now, and attempting to overtake myself will only end up in more internal isolation and dividence, might as well institutionalize the small moi into a mentally harhat area.. if something like that ever exists..

For the time being, a stalemate is taking place, the type that makes you inable to really realize in which directions are things moving.. just a stalemate and a state of "nullness" or "numbness".. you don't feel bad nor you feel good.. you are not thinking but rather reacting, maybe just resting from thinking for a while.. even if there is something I so really want, I won't go out and take it.. Is it the art of being shocked that brought about this maneuver of idleness till time passes by and Bob becomes your uncle again.. phew.. so silence is the best practice now, eh?

There is only one more thing.. the thing that is the only thing actually.. surrendering to the will of Allah and that this is what he wants and this is who I am.. so this I should seek his guidance really hard through it.. If there is something that needs to be learned for sure, then it is patience and surrendering to His will.. not just that, and also be okay with it.. that's the lesson I should learn, that's the lesson we should all learn.. how much do we have to pay for it? Patience and will.. faith in what is best..

May He enlighten all our days.. Amen

Anything to declare?

2006-09-27T17:03:00.000+02:00

Definately not!! Or is there?

I just don't know. At times I get tired of all the thinking going on inside my head. I get tired of living two seperate lives, one in the physical sense and a totally different life inside my head, a life where there people are slightly different from how they really are, a life where just very small changes are made to alot of things around, and Bob's your uncle, here you have a life you've been dreaming to have..

But is it healthy to keep on day-dreaming that way? No way! Yeah things happen alot to distract you, or to keep your head under the water of fantasy, but things have to change.. I don't know if suffering this has brought me anywhere, but this is what I have to change.. to stop thinking about what I want for a while, and concentrate on what I have. For the time being, I am simply clueless on how to walk down that road. I have noone to blame but myself, absolutely noone.

Dear God! What is it that I am waiting for? What is it that I am expecting? I don't know! For some reason my mind keeps on returning back to the impossible and imagine that it is possible. How is it impossible?, well, because it is, because I can create a possibility out of it and live on the hope of the possibility, while there is not possibility whatsoever. Because I tend to complicate things for myself all the time and now I want to change that habbit once and for all. The key to it all is to surrender to God's will, and stop fighting it..

It bounces alright, at times it is up high maintaining some calmness in the chest, at other times it is hard, as if there is some sort of a fierce conflict inside my chest, that I don't know who is fighting and who is going to win.. but all I know is that one of the two entities fighting is a VERY familiar entity, someone i know pretty well and I've been living with for too long. All hopes and bets are for the better one of those two entities to win the fight, or better that this is that both entities integrate somehow, to form something better, that doesn't make me lose who I am..

Lonliness is killing me, yes! But I can do absolutely nothing about it. It seems that God wants me to be alone for the time being, he brings noone inside, and I believe I should not bring anyone inside for the time being. I have no idea why but I've been fighting that for too long but everytime I end up so exhausted from fighting, and so lonely, so it would just be better if i end up lonely but not exhausted, right? So I just can't be fighting His will anymore, it is time for me to declare that I surrender, and that this was what I have learned pretty well, I've learned my lesson if that's what's needed to be said, or is there nothing that needs to be said at all?

Is there something I want to declare or not?
Yeah, I am all alone now, and I don't like it but I'll have to live with it..
Over..

Spiritual Reluctance

2006-09-25T02:50:00.000+02:00

For a while now, the endless debate between a person and his belief in what is good and what is right has been ongoing through my chest.. and believe it or not, it is a blessing from God when the struggle is so fierce, and at the same time things do not end up the way your intuition has always told you, not the way you have expected, simply because later on in life you will not always recieve what you expect, and you will have to take it champ..

But all of a sudden, things start to clear up, and also all of a sudden, everything makes sense, and nothing makes much difference. What is a person trying to do? Oppose the will of God? or maybe tell God that I know better that He knows? Why is it that a human cannot surrender to the will of his creator? It is the shortest way to piece of mind, even if what is taking place in your life is not totally what you have wished for, you KNOW for sure that there is a plan for you, and what you expect from God is what you get! Don't you trust his planning? So why are you so agitated about then?

As a matter of fact I haven't expected that sort of ease in handling myself, and since it happened then I have noone to thank but God. It is quite strange how you could suddenly become in a mode of acceptance to anything and everythign that might occur, no bias whatsoever to any issue. Whatever comes my way I will be able to accept inshaAllah and that's about it, when something urges me to do something I will work for that thing, and if the resistance is what makes me turned off towards that thing that I will carry on no further, for it's not what I should be doing..

U see, sometimes God just wants us to learn to lean on him, and trust in his plans.. But what does it take for one to be under God's teaching? Asking for it I guess.. You can learn by your mind and you can learn by your heart. The latter is the former's teacher.

God I have alot to babble about in this Blog, it's like a new toy that I have and I doubt anyone will be reading it, so it could be my small private space on cyberspace.. So you who don't read, have a nice day ;-)